Past Tense

Dr. Venture and Brock are kidnapped while attending a funeral, and the boys turn to the original Team Venture for help.

Dr. Venture: Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?

Dr. Venture: Is my tie on straight?
Brock: Yeah, you can’t really mess up a clip-on.

(Venture just revealed that, in college…)
Hank: Wait! You lived with BROCK?? That is so unbelievably cool!
Dean: No wonder you guys are such super pals!
(Brock just sits expressionlessly)
Dr. Venture: Actually… back then we didn’t see much of each other…
(dorm flashback: Venture is laying awake in his bunk. Brock’s bunk above his is squeaking, bouncing up and down furiously, accompanied by Brock grunting rhythmically and a young woman moaning)
Dr. Venture: We had very different schedules… always coming and going… at… different times…
Pete White: Wait, tell ’em who really won the roommate lottery.
Dr. Venture: Oh, God, don’t remind me.
Pete White: Okay, so the university sticks me with this exchange student, (switch to college) but check it out, he’s, like, a prince or something. His parents sent him a care package last week for his birthday. You know what he got? A personal slave. The poor guy sleeps in my closet. Speak of the dickweed. Hey, Werner.
Dean: Baron Ünderbheit!!!
Pete White: (back to present) You told ’em?
Dean: No, Baron Ünderbheit is right there!
Hank: Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt!
Brock: Relax, boys, he’s not gonna do anything. It’s hallowed ground.
Hank: So what was he (Baron Ünderbheit) like in the olden days?
Pete White: Well, except for the metal jaw, pretty much the same—total dick.

(College, after Ünderbheit leaves)
Dr. Venture: Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk?
Pete White: What, did his walk into the barbershop and say, “what can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?”
Mike Sorayama: Hey, what’s wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.
Dr. Venture: Yeah, but you’re Chinese, your people can’t be blamed for what your hair does.
Mike Sorayama: I’m Japanese, jerk-off. But, ja, that’s so true. At least I don’t have his eyebrows.
Dr. Venture: You wanna see eyebrows, come to my Creative Writing class. There’s this kid, no joke, they’re out to here, and the weirdness doesn’t stop there. All he writes are these way-too-specific poems about monarch butterflies. Total closet case!
Hank: (present) Okay, this is getting nuts. You’re not gonna tell me that you went to college with the Monarch too! Where did you guys go, Super Crazy No-Way School?!

Col. Gentleman: Careful Lad. Those hands of his are strong enough to crush a boulder. Yet delicate enough to crush a butterfly.

Brock: You made Leslie Cohen robots? Jeez.
Sorayama: Yeah, I think I did a pretty good job.
Pete White: Sure, but why would you do that, fella?
Baron Underbheit: To have sex with, Pete. I think that obvious. The man was obsessed with her in college
Rusty: So? He was obsessed with Coco from Fame the year before.

Pete White: (on the radio): You’re listening to the White Room. I’m your host, the evah-populah Pete White. This next one’s a dedication to Leslie Cohen from her little buddy Mike Sorayama. And he writes “Leslie, I masturbate furiously to your picture every night. Please notice me. Love, Mike.”

Brock: You did this. You did this, didn’t you? (he attempts to charge Ünderbheit, nearly strangling Venture)
Baron Ünderbheit: (sarcastically) As usual, your detective skills are impeccable, Samson. You succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon, chained to an albino.

Dr. Orpheus: (grabbing Action Man’s hands and concentrating for a moment) Two years, seventeen days.
Action Man: What?
Dr. Orpheus: From a stroke. GOOD DAY!

Col. Gentleman: Despite his racial handicap, Kano here is a crackerjack pilot.

Pete White: Oh for Pete’s — for my sake!

(Action Man farts)
College Student: (after a brief pause) Dude, you beefed.

Dr. Venture: Oh, come on! You’re gonna kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life?

(the group looks at Sorayama’s corpse)
Brock: Huh. So he really did die.
Dr. Venture: What, he programmed his robots to hate us too?
Brock: (shrugs) I guess.
Venture: Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else today. So what do you say we get out of here before he starts to stink?

Brock: (in flashback, packing up his belongings and talking to a sullenly quiet Thaddeus Venture) Sorry, man, I don’t know what came over me. Anyway, they cut my scholarship, so I’m outta here. Gonna join the army. (he pauses in the doorway, causing Venture to cower abjectly) Oh, yeah. Someone from, uhhh… “Venture Industries” called while you were at the infirmary. Your dad died. Later.