Tag Sale – You’re it!



To raise cash, Dr. Venture holds a yard sale to sell old inventions made by both him and his father.

Mr. One: Gentlemen, this is quite possibly the hottest situation most of you will be involved with. If any of you have any fears about death, any second thoughts about that beautiful new wife of yours screwing every guy you hate because you left her a widow, now is your chance to leave.

Dr. Orpheus: Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you… wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move.
Dr. Venture: You’re kidding, right?
Dr. Orpheus: It just seems so romantic.

#21: Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before.
#24: Allegedly.
#21: Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability.
#24: Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor.
The Monarch: Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden.

The Monarch: With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down. I will be the stuff of your children’s nightmares.
Dr. Venture: What’s he doing now?
Dean: He’s making his dramatic exit.
Dr. Venture: (sigh) This could take all night, I’m gonna get Brock.
Hank: I think he’s almost done.
The Monarch: And then, when nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you. Mark my words: I will have my revenge, DR. VENTURE!

Dr. Girlfriend: Sweetie, isn’t that the guy from Depeche Mode?
The Monarch: Oh no, wait, where? Holy crap, he’s with a girl!
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh yeah, that guy is totally straight. I saw a whole thing about him on the VH1.
The Monarch: But he’s the guy from Depeche Mode. That’s impossible!
Dr. Girlfriend: Straight!
The Monarch: Come on! He’s in Depeche Mode!

Mr. One: (indicating Brock to the rest of the team) This is Team Leader. His every whim is your command. If he tells you to put on a dress and dance… I’d better see those moneymakers shakin! Am I understood?

Brock: You have some dangerous machinery for sale here. I think you’re begging for trouble on this one.
Dr. Venture: I thought you handled all that. And I don’t hear any ideas from you on how to get some quick cash. C’mon, most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind.
Brock: (exasperated) DOC! You have a table over there with a sign that says “laser death ray bargain bin”!
Dr. Venture: (dismissively) Well, that’s why you have your little ska band there, to keep the oddballs in costumes from raising Cain.

The Monarch: (needing to go to the bathroom) Oooh…I need to make a desposit at the bank, so to speak.

(Dr. Orpheus wordlessly approaches The Monarch, slaps him across the face, and magically sets his shoes on fire)
The Monarch: (shocked, stamping out the fire) You dick!
Dr. Orpheus: Doctor Orpheus did this! To exact proper retribution, (he produces a business card with a flourish) you can find me at this address! (as an afterthought) Nights only.
The Monarch: What? What did I do?
(The Intangible Fancy, an ethereal, ghost-like villain, appears behind The Monarch)
The Intangible Fancy: When the sun sleeps… the wolves begin to howl.
The Monarch: (bewildered) What the hell is going on here? Did somebody put a sign on my back or something?

The Monarch: (after using the Venture household restroom) I’m not going to flush. Let them see the wrath of the Monarch!

The Monarch: (finally inside Dr. Venture’s laboratory) My god, look at this place. It’s like a museum of failure.
Dr. Girlfriend: It’s almost depressing.
The Monarch: Here I am, in the belly of the beast, and I don’t even care. (indicating a gadget nearby) I don’t even feel like taking a whiz on this. I used to DREAM of taking a whiz on this!
Dr. Girlfriend: So I guess…we’re not gonna…
The Monarch: What can I do to this guy that life hasn’t already? I almost feel sorry for him.