Dr. Quymn, Medicine Woman



[Dr. Jonas Venture greets Co. Gentleman and his wife at the door]
Col. Gentleman: Col. Fun has arrived! [taking the drink from Jonas’s hand] Ah, you read my mind. I need a stiff one in me after that car ride. Never let a woman drive your Aston, Jonas. This one handles a stick like it’s got herpes!
Ms. Quymn: Who knows, with all the strange garages you park it in…
Dr. Jonas Venture: Ms. Quymn (he kisses her hand)
Col. Gentleman: More like Ms. Bollocks baster. If she won’t take my name maybe she’ll take a smack in her smart mouth!
Ms. Quymn: Try me.

Tara: Mum, are you and Horace quarreling again?
Ms. Quymn: No, Tara.
Jonas: Ahh, hello sunshine! Oop, got your nose!
[they both laugh]
Jonas: Kano! Take Tara downstairs, would you?
[Kano silently picks up Tara, who screams]
Ms. Quymn: Go with the nice Chinaman, Tara-doll.
[Kano carries Tara, still screaming, away]
Col. Gentleman: Where do we uhh, you know? [he holds up his car keys]
Jonas: H.E.L.P.eR.!
[HELPeR walks over to Col. Gentleman with a fishbowl full of car keys which Col. Gentleman drops his own keys into]
Col. Gentleman: [spying another male at the party] Ohh, you pretty thing.
[behind him, Jonas quickly slips his own keys to Ms. Quymn]

Rusty: Just a little further and we’ll reach the lost city of gold, Sabu.
Tara: Save me! Oh save me Dr. Venture!
Rusty: Dr. Quymn, I presume.
Tara: This time I get to save you from the savages.

Dr. Venture: Dr. Quymn, I presume.
Dr. Quymn: Gently, I sucked the poison out. But you were completely dehydrated. What were you thinking running around in what is this, polyester?
Dr. Venture: [quotes his father] Humidity is no excuse for wrinkles, Rusty.
Dr. Quymn: Pity your father also didn’t teach you not to steal fertility idols from irritable head hunters.
Dr. Venture: Oh that?! Heh heh. I- I’ve been researching alternative cures for… impotence. Oh, not for me! Of course.
Dr. Quymn: Have you not tried Viagra?
Dr. Venture: It gives me- my customers headaches. Nausea, dyspepsia and/or diarrhea. But enough shop talk, how’ve you been? What are you doing way out here in the middle of nowhere?
Dr. Quymn: Oh, you know, curing cancer.
Dr. Venture: Ah.
Dr. Quymn: Well I’m trying anyway. There have been a number of… obstacles.

Nancy: Mother?
Drew: Is your friend alright?
Dr. Quymn: Yes my darlings, come meet Dr. Venture. These are my daughters, Nancy and Drew.
Nancy: Hello, Dr. Venture!
Drew: Please to meet you, Sir.
Dr. Venture: Ah! Hello ladies! Hello. So, children. Where’s the father of these two?
Ginnie: I’m back! Finally caught that son of a bitch that’s been sniffing around the campsite. Big one too!
Dr. Quymn: Rusty, this is Ginnie my bodyguard and right hand man, as it were.
Dr. Venture Oh, hello, I’m Dr. [Ginnie crushes Dr. Venture when they shake hands]
Nancy: She’s a Yank.
Drew: Just like you
Ginnie: Not like him.

Hank: Bang, Clive!
Brock: Hank enough of that already. We’re supposed to be teaching him boxing not tricks. You ready, Dean?
Dean: Noo… Brock, this is kinda the saddest thing ever.
Hank: Bang, Clive!
Brock: Stop it, Hank! Yeah it is. But your pop says we need the money. [taps pot] Now Fight!
Hank: Bang, Clive!

Ginnie: Your fancy new pal’s got a nice little sideline selling apes on the black market, Tara.
Dr. Quymn: Oh, Rusty.
Dr. Venture: No! No, this isn’t how it looks.
Dean: Yeah it is.
Nancy: Mummy? What’s going on?
Drew: Who are they?

Dr. Venture: We were in Thailand just last week and we- we came across this tragic fella in a cage. A terrible uh… terrible terrible underground betting parlor and so we hank to rescue the little guy and reintroduce him to the wild. Slowly. In fact, hell, he looks ready to me. Whadya think, Brock?
Brock: Huh? Huh? Oh… sure sure Dr. Venture.
Dr. Venture: See! Feral instincts taking over already! He’s cured!

Dean: Hank? Hank? Do you feel cold? Is your skin tingling? Rigor, first signs of Malaria I think.

Dr. Venture: Yeaaah, we had a bit of a fling years ago. Ah, she’s one of those save-the-world bleeding heart types.
Brock: So, no more teaching chimps to box, huh? By the way, thanks for that new personal low.
Dr. Venture: I like to mix it up. Keep you on your toes. Speaking of which, new mission. Operation: do Rusty a solid. I need you to keep this Jimmy character distracted.
Brock: Who?
Dr. Venture: Her bodyguard, what’s his name?
Brock: Who, Ginnie?
Dr. Venture: Yeah, him.

Dean: So, you guys are identical twins?
Nancy: Semi-identical. Technically.
Drew: We just look really a lot alike. Our own mum can’t tell us apart… sometime.
[girls giggle]
Dean: My dad is the same with us.
Hank: So what do you gals do for fun?
Nancy: Back home we usually like to solve mysteries.
Dean: Me too!
Hank: I’m more the adventuring type!
Drew: We go on adventures as well! Fight mummies…
Nancy: You know how it is mystery leads to museum, museum leads to mummies…
Drew: And Bob’s your uncle and there we are in the thick of it.
[giggles]
Hank: I can bench press.

Dr. Venture: I think he’s kind of got a thing for her, and frankly he’s a bit of a wet blanket. The only wet blankets I’m interested in are the ones that-
Brock: Alright, I know where this is going.
Dr. Venture: You know, when we’re sweating…
Brock: Yes.
Dr. Venture: and rolling around.
Brock: YES.
Dr. Venture: We’re having…
Brock: Alright Doc, I get it!!
Dr. Venture: Alright! Just making sure we’re all on the same page here. [pauses] Sex.

Ginnie: Stay close. The natives are very suspicious of outsider since that IKEA opened up down river.
Dr. Quymn: The logging company that lumber for their billion billion book cases, they’ve been trying to force them off their ancestry lands.

Dr. Quymn: He says it stuck again last night… the wereodile.
Hank & Dean: Wereodile?
Nancy: Local folk legend.
Drew: Half man half crocodile and covered in awful hair.
Dr. Quymn: He say he tore off the head of their most mighty warrior. He says it was if someone had shook a 6 foot can of blood soda and suddenly popped the top.
Nancy:By day it’s a normal person
Drew:but when the moon is full and the wereodile spirit is displeased, it seeks vengeance upon the tribe!

Dr. Quymn:He says it’s your fault. That you brought the wrath of the wereodile when you stole their fertility idol.
Brock:Nice.

Hank: Aw! It’s a sweetheart deal all around. We don’t even have to flip a coin cause they’re identical.
Dean: Semi identical, that means they’re mono zygotic but developed differently.
Hank:Listen to the lady killer on this one, you have got to super stop it with that egg head crud.
Dean: She’s got a freckle on her nose. That’s how you can tell them apart.
Hank:Fred help us! Play it cool Dean-o! Step to them with that line and they’re gonna think your some crazy obsessed weirdo stalker who likes draws pictures of them in your notebook.
Dean: They’re for the Venture Home News! Pictures increase circulation.
Hank: And they’ll think you talk to the pictures and then you cut it at the lip and eye with like a razor blade and you write dirty words on them with your own poop and you rub it on you chest.
Dean:Where’d?
Hank: C.S.I.
I’m not interested in playing it anything. I like them. I just don’t like them like them.
Hank: Well, I do
Dean: Which One?
Hank: I dunno. Either one.

Nancy: I like Dean, he’s got that pop, Iggy Pop body but with a like Weezer sort of style.
Drew: You little scammer-jammer! I told you I like Dean! Go for Hank!
Nancy: Eww! No I don’t like Hank at all! I find him boring.

Nancy: Viginia, why do you hate men so much?
Ginnie: Don’t hate men, Princess. Never met a real one.

Ginnie: Well, aint you a pretty one.
Brock Samson: Huh? Oh. Hey. Brock Samson. We weren’t properly introduced.
Ginnie: Virginia Dunn, how’s it hanging? Whoa, tough guy, huh? Ha ha, what do you drive?
Brock: ’69 Charger.
Ginnie: Pssh, penis substitute. [she glances behind Brock and notices Dr. Venture is at Tara’s cabin] ‘Course all them horsies under the hood ain’t worth a damn in this rugged terrain. [she steps back and pats her jeep, then turns around and grabs it, waggling her hindquarters at Brock] Four wheel drive, solid chassis. Pliant suspension. Torque.
Brock: Look, uhhh [Ginnie slaps her own ass] Phew.
Ginnie: Hot in the jungle, huh?
Brock: Uhh, huh, yeah. Yes it is, isn’t it?
Ginnie: Moist heat. Grips you like a vice. Maybe go for a nice dip in the river? Skinny dip?
Brock: Uhh yeah, maybe I’ll do that…
Ginnie: Ho, ho, ease off the gas there, Mustang Sally. Where I live, we drive on the other side of the road. [walks away]
Brock: What the hell?

Dr. Venture: Down [pants] now.
Dr. Quymn: Oh, Rusty, you should quit smoking.
Dr. Venture: Don’t [pants] smoke.
Dr. Quymn: Oh. Then you should really get more exercise.
Dr. Venture: Brock [pants] second hand [pants] killing me.
Dr. Quymn: Oh you can’t tell me this view wasn’t worth the climb. I want to show you something even more special. [she crawls out to the edge of the branch. Dr. Venture is enticed]
Dr. Venture: God. Yes.
Dr. Quymn: This is the entire reason I’m here. [she cuts a fruit from the branch] It’s called Solomon’s Heart. This valley is the only place on Earth it can grow. They only blossom on mature trees over forty years old. [she cuts the fruit in half] You see how the seeds form a heart?
Dr. Venture: I do.
Dr. Quymn: Now you see why it’s so desperately important we protect this rain forest.
Dr. Venture: Because… hearts?
Dr. Quymn: Because these seeds contain the antigens that can cure cancer and who knows what else?
Dr. Venture: Loneliness?
Dr. Quymn: With more research I could- did you say-
[Dr. Venture kisses her. She does not return the favor]
Dr. Quymn: Ow. [she has a leech on her face]
Dr. Venture: I’m sorry, let me…
Dr. Quymn: Ow. [she pulls off the leech] We should go. It’s- it’s getting dark and I don’t want to-
Dr. Venture: But I want to…
Dr. Quymn: I don’t want to get hurt.
Dr. Venture: You won’t! That felt good, didn’t it?
Dr. Quymn: It’s not a good time, we have to get back to camp before moonrise, I’m sorry.

Dean: Oh my god!
Hank: You’re the wereodile!
Dean: You’re the wereodile!
Hank: I’m not the wereodile, you’re the wereodile!!
Dean: Hank, how could you, you’re my brother!
Hank: Oh my god, we’re twins! That means- that means I’m a wereodile too! Oh no!!
Dean: That- that- that doesn’t really follow. I mean, we have different hair.
Hank: And I have a huskier build, let’s admit it. Plus, I barely have hair under there [he points to his underarm]
Dean: Me too! Not for lack of trying.
Dean: SUPER RUNAWAY!

Brock: I got him! It was close call, but I got him. God, that freaking harness buckle is digging into my back.
Dean: Is he dead? He look’s dead.
Brock: He was upside down for awhile. Blood probably rushed to his… uh.
Dr. Quymn: Oh uh…
Hank: Who did that to pop? Was it the wereodile?!
Dean: Did you see him, Brock?
Brock: No, I saw… them. Two of them.
Dr. Quymn: Two of them?

Ginnie: Alright! No more screwing around. This camp is on full wereodile alert! Everyone into their bunks now. Come on! Chop Chop! Hey! Your own bunk, stick. Supercuts, you take first watch.

Ginnie: I want them out of here. They’re bringing bad juju to this place.
Dr. Quymn: Really! Ginnie, you know as well as I do, that it’s just some logging company stooge trying to put the scare in us. Ask Rusty, he was a boy adventurer.
Dr. Quymn: That’s unfortunate, because I plan to ask Dr. Venture to be my… lab assistant.
Ginnie: Awww, nooo, not that!
Dr. Quymn: Oh Ginnie, if I didn’t know better I’d think you were jealous. Don’t you worry, I could never replace you. But I have needs you just aren’t capable of fulfilling, Ginnie.
Ginnie: Aww, just give it a chance, Tara-bear. I can be ge…
Dr. Quymn: Dr. Venture is a trained scientist. He can help me in ways you never could.
Ginnie: Yeah, like out of your shorts!
Dr. Quymn: Virginia! You forget your place!
Ginnie: My place? My place is watching our for your asses.
Dr. Quymn: Kindly remove your things from this hut and find lodging elsewhere.
Ginnie: No. You kindly remember this, little miss fancy britches. Just ’cause mommy and daddy didn’t love you enough doesn’t mean I’m gonna clean up after you every time you let a man make a mess of your life!
Dr. Quymn: Get out! Get out, you monster!
[the shot is from Dean’s tent now, he can hear them argument as Ginnie storms out of the hut]
Ginnie: I know what you really are, Tara!

Ginnie: Quit staring at my ass, Samson! No means no! Now get to your post!

Dean: Curiouser and curiouser. Dr. Quymn has a demon she afraid to let out, yet she calls Ginnie a monster. And both of them were in the woods, when Brock saw the wereodile but where were Nancy and Drew that whole time? In their hut? Perhaps, then again perhaps not! One thing is certain, someone or someone’s in this camp is the wereodile and were gonna get to the bottom of… Hank, are you listening to me?
Hank: Actually, uh, can you keep it down? I’m trying to write a song for the girls.
Dean: Would you get with the program? We’ve got a mystery to solve!
Hank: Well then we should team up. With the girls!
Dean: We can’t! They’re … they’re suspects.
Hank: Then solve it tomorrow or something. Man, what’s your hurry?
Dean: What’s your slowy?! You’ve gone soft on me, Henry Allen So-Called-Venture! You used to be all ‘Go Team Venture!’ but now … now you’re all ‘Go Team … b- Boobies!’ Gosh!

Dr. Quymn: Rusty? Would you like to play in my jungle fort?

Nancy: Ready Drew?
Drew: Ready Nancy fancy!
[giggles]

Brock: [sighs] Hey, Hank. You’re supposed to stay in…
Dean: Hey, Brock.
Brock: Hey, it’s Dean.
Dean: Welp, looks like it’s up to me and you to solve the mystery of the wereodile. Everyone else has dumb girls on the brain.
Ginnie: Alllright ya big Nebraskan oak. Don’t make me regret this.
Dean: You too Brock? You too?!
[Dean runs away, pushing past Ginnie, who is holding a six pack]
Dean: The both of yous got jungle fever! The both of yous!
Ginnie: Screw this! [she reaches into her shirt and pulls out a bra, handing it to Brock] The mood’s totally blown.

Dean: Hank! Hank! Find some dynamite and a big cargo net and meet me behind the camp in ten minutes! Ten! No buts– Do it! The mystery is a foot.

Ginnie: Storm’s coming. Hard rain is gonna fall.

[Dr. Venture and Dr. Quymn are about to make love.]
Dr. Venture: I think I found my cure for impotence after all! Now if I could figure out a way to bottle that ass, I’d be a multi-millionaire!

Dr. Quymn: Oh, Rusty! You have no idea how long it’s been!
Dr. Venture: Nineteen years, two months and four days.

Dean: Oh my god! You’re the wereodiles! Heeelp!

Ginnie: Get your filthy mitts off of her!
[the girls both gasp]
Dean: What was that?
[in Tara’s hut]
Dr. Quymn: Ginnie! What are you doin-
Ginnie: I’m not gonna let you break her heart again! I’m not gonna let you put your seed in her and walk out that door again! [she grabs Dr. Venture, who is calling for Brock, and slams him into the wall]

Ginnie: She’s not the same liquored-up little teenage rich girl that you just-
Dr. Venture: What liquored-up teenage I haven’t seen her since I was ten!
Ginnie: She doesn’t need your bills or your booze or your shock therapy any more! I fixed her, not you! I did, me, me, me, me, meeeeeeeee!

Brock: I’m getting a good fight. I’m getting a good fight out of you.

Dean: Dr. Quymn is the wereodile!
Dr. Venture: She’s… oh my god! I almost fucked a wereodile!
Dean: We have to stop her transformation before she kills us all! (he picks up a chair and begins to hit Dr. Quymn with it over and over)
Dean: The power of Christ compels you!
(Ginnie springs into action and pushes Dean away)
Ginnie: Stop it you little asshole! She’s not a wereodile, she’s an epileptic.
Dr. Venture: Ew!

Ginnie: Anyone got a light for her?

Nancy: We never really thought there was a wereodile. I mean it’s proposterous
Drew: And we certainly ddn’t mean Hank to get hurt. Please tell your brother he’s a real hero for what he did.
Dean: The natives already did, they even mad him an honorary member and gave him a circumcision!
Nancy: Oh. Ee… so that mean… you aren’t?
Nancy & Drew: Eww…

Brock: [to Heank] Hey, how you holding up, Broken Arrow? Could I get you anything?
Dr. Venture: I could use a cocoa. Do we have any cocoa? Or something stronger? I just don’t wanna feel anything anymore, Brock. Ohhh god. [the jets both take off] Loove hurts!

Wereodile #1: I thought those fucking people would never leave. Where the hell were you?
Wereodile #2: Down by the river, putting fake blood on stuff. Where were you?
Wereodile #1: Getting my ass handed to me by a fucking orangutan!