Shadowman 9: In the Cradle of Destiny



After their short honeymoon, the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend are captured by the Guild to face questioning by the Council of Thirteen related to the traitor, Phantom Limb. Much of their history as villains is also revealed. Meanwhile, Dr. Girlfriend’s Murderous Moppets takeover the Monarch’s henchmen to rebuild his cocoon fortress.

[The Monarch’s henchmen are standing in the remains of the cocoon]
#24: Well, they’re gone. Now what the hell do we do?
#21: We forge our own destiny. We are as ronin — wandering samurai without a master.
Tim-Tom Moppet: Wrong. We’re your master now.
#21: What? Says who? Who died and put you in charge?
Tim-Tom Moppet: Need we point out the obvious? Kevin…
Kevin Moppet: Henchman #2, front and center! [everyone looks around] Okay, #3, step forward. Henchmen 4, 5, henchman 6…
Tim-Tom Moppet: You see? Bet there isn’t even anyone here over, what, an 18? Whereas Kevin and I were Dr. Girlfriend’s number 2s!
#24: Our numbers are ranks?

Tim-Tom Moppet: Team A! Start cleaning this crap up!
Kevin Moppet: Team B! Take this list to Home depot, you ask for Carl.

[Dr. Girlfriend and the Monarch are being interrogated by the Council of Thirteen in separate rooms]
Dr. Girlfriend: You can’t do this to us. Where’s the Monarch?
Councilman 1: You will see him soon enough.
Councilman 3: Only after the Guild of Calamitous Intent is satisfied. You know why you are here.
The Monarch: No clue! Few hours ago I was in my floating escape bed, repeatedly consummating my marriage and the next thing I know your super creeps are blindfolding us and dragging us here to get shot at!
Councilman 9: This is the way these things are done.
Councilman 8: And in light of recent events we need to be sure we can trust you.
Dr. Girlfriend: Trust us? You were the ones who promoted him all these years.
Councilman 3: There’s no reason to get defensive.
Councilman 2: We just have some questions for you; tell us about the traitor Phantom Limb.
The Monarch: I know he wears an awful lot of purple for a white guy. What else you wanna know?

Phantom Limb: Behold! [he drops his pants to reveal his invisible legs]
Dr. Girlfriend: What…happened to your legs?
Phantom Limb: What do you know…of evil?
Dr. Girlfriend: Why? You…’eviled’ your legs?
Phantom Limb: Evil is misunderstood. Society slaps our wrists and tells us to simmer down while she wages her murderous wars, destroys our planet, and prays to the mighty dollar.
Dr. Girlfriend: And then she made your legs invisible?

The Monarch: Oh man, if that shows up on YouTube…I…I’m serious, what kind of torture is this? Couldn’t you just drill my teeth or shove bamboo under my nails or something?
Councilman 9: This is not a torture, Mr. Monarch.
Councilman 8: It is an interrogation.
Councilman 7: Or a trial of sorts.
Councilman 9: I always say, it’s a crucible.
Councilman 8: Oh, that’s way cooler.

Councilman 9: Now you can see how the doctor was easily seduce by ‘you.’
The Monarch: Look, heads! Any guy in a tight evil costume could seduce Dr. Girlfriend back then, I’m not retarded. I mean, I know her past!
Councilman 8: Her past with the traitor, Phantom Limb?
The Monarch: Yes! Man! What do you want me to pull down my pants so you can jam it in deeper?

Watch: Welcome to the Citadel of Attribution. My name is Watch. I will be the only human face you will see, speak to…and enjoy.
Dr. Girlfriend: Okay…
Ward: [walking in, eating chips] So that’s Lady Au Pair.
Watch: Dude, get out of here. She’s not supposed to see anybody but me.
Ward: Really?
Watch: No, I’m making that up. Yes, really!
Ward: Oh, should I put on my hood?
Watch: Forget it. She already saw your face. You might as well stay.
Ward: Good.

Lady Au Pair: I am not interested in doing a theme based on my voice.

Shadowman 9: Am I Nine? I thought I was Shadow Guy Six.

Councilman 9: Unfortunately, we have no visual record of your time in college.
The Moanarch: So, we won’t have to sit through hours of me abusing myself to Markie Post.

The Monarch: [Out of breath] Dr. Venture, gaze upon the face of doom and cower before me… for I am the mon [Right hook to the face by Myra Brandish]
The Monarch: I would’ve taken him down then, if Venture had not hired a private army of ex-Navy seal, cyborg-ninja-witches to protect him. Also, my memory’s a bit foggy but I’m pretty sure he had a fucking tank.

Councilman 9:The Council of Thirteen has determined that the person acting as ‘The Monarch’ is in violation of the Guild’s primary law of organized villainy and is hearby sentence to a painful execution…
Councilman 8:By Hot Lava!
Councilman 7:Oh goodie! Lava! I thought it was bee stings.

The Monarch: Can I used your magic videos of every embarrassing thing I’ve ever done?

The Monarch: Listen… [Checks number] 24, you wear my costume tonight and do me this favor and I’ll make you the Monarch’s number two!
Shadowman 24: [Excited] Really?!
The Monarch: Totally! I’m just waiting for some trust fund money to slide out of escrow. then I’m doing this full time, baby!
The Monarch: You’re my boy, 24! I mean… Number 2.

The Monarch: So, I noticed that the ray-gun’s safety was on, right. So, I go ‘No blast can penetrate the exo skeleton of the Mighty Monarch,’ — Scared shitless!
Queen EthereaI could imagine!
The Monarch:The Captain Sunshine pulls the trigger and of coarse… nothing! To this day he still thinks I’m invulnerable.

The Monarch: Good night fellas… Good night, Sparky!
Phantom Limb: What is your name you insolent little nobody?
Why I am the Mighty… Man-o-taur!
Phantom Limb: Well, let this be a warning to you, Man-o-taur! You’re by officially on Phantom Limb’s shit list! And from this night forth my primary focus in life will be to destroy you! Shadowmen! [Marches off]
The Monarch: Oh yeah? You’ll have to find me first. That is — if you can make it through my ma – malavolent murder maze!

The Monarch: W-wait. Did that video have a wipe?
Councilman 2: Councilman 3 got Adobe Premiere.
Councilman 3: Was it too showy? I thought it would make it more lively.
The Monarch: And why did you change the music??”
Councilman 4: Pardon…?
The Monarch: A man remembers what was on his car radio when he taps his future wife. That was not the song.
Councilman 4: Oh, we couldn’t afford the rights.
Councilman 5: Einar’s was ready to sign, but Bjork’s lawyers just would not budge!

Dr. Girlfriend: That proves it! Are you going to tell Phantom Limb is so stupid, he could not recognize his own henchmen? That he’s so dib, that when he met the Monarch, he could not put two and two together.
Councilman 4: It does seem far fetched.
Dr. Girlfirend:Nobody’s that thick headed. Clearly, Phantom Limb is responsible for this. He’s the one who hid the Monarch’s illicit activity from the guild. The Monarch… he’s innocent of everything but ignorance!

The Monarch: Hi Honey! I think I’m gonna be dipped in lava.
Dr. Girlfriend: Monarch, I’m sorry.
The Monarch: That’s what you should told me in the escape pod.

Henchmen 24: Maybe Brock knows how to kill with words. Maybe his name is a killing word.

The Monarch: The lair of the Phantom! Minions attack! Kill everyone! God will recognize his own! Take no prisoners! Show no mercy!

The Moanarch: You deployed my wings with your ass.

Phantom Limb: Did you really think I’d forget about you old man?
Manotaur: What is this some kind of revenge hit? I’m retired from arch-villainy crap!
Phantom Limb: No-one retires from Phantom Limb’s shit-list!
[Phantom Limb laughs menacingly]
Phantom Limb: Looking for this, Man-o-taur?