Tears of a Sea Cow

Dr. Dugong: Man seeks a good time, but he is not a hedonist. He seeks love! He just doesn’t know where to look. He looks under the beds of whores and in the hot stem of a crack pipe. He should look to nature! Gentle aquatic mammals have all the answers!

The Monarch: (upon seeing Dr. Dugong for the first time) Ugh, you’re all flesh-colored and…how much Thalidomide did your mom take?

Dermott: You guys are sad. Why’d he decide to leave you here in the first place?
Hank: Something about the conference having hot, desperate women.
Dean: And we had a bad run-in with the hot lava men of Tanga Island, so I can imagine how dangerous their women get when they’re desperate!

The Monarch: I had true hatred with Venture. I didn’t have to fake it! That sweet loathing just poured out of me whenever I saw his pathetic face. I just…I just wanted to kick his ass! I wanted to build a machine to kick his ass! I wanted to build an empire to house the machine TO KICK HIS ASS!
Henchman 24: Then, by God, let’s go take a dump in his pool!

Henchman 21: Dude I can’t believe we didn’t get blown up. We’re like those guys on TV who never get shot. Yeah we’re like main characters.
Henchman 24: Don’t jinx it! See anything?
Henchman 21: No I can’t see squat with these tinted goggles on.
Henchman 24: Douche, use the night vision. What’s wrong with you? (he hits 21 on the side of his head and 21’s night vision goggles turn on)
Henchman 21: I can see everything! This is so cool, when did we get these?
Henchman 24: Like, 1994.
Henchman 21: Why don’t I know this stuff?! Hey this is so rad. It’s like Blair Witch-o-vision. Those kids’ eyes look all glowy.
Henchman 24: What kids?
Henchman 21: Those two right over there!
Henchman 24: What are you doing, get them!

Kevin: Why can’t we get a straight answer?
Tim-Tom: I just saw mum’s clean panties.
Kevin: Oh, when she was crouching? I tried not to look. Were they-
Tim-Tom: They were white panties, Kevin. White.
Kevin: (sighs) White.

(Henchman 24 chases and tackles Dermott, who immediately starts to cough on him.)
Henchman 24: What the hell are you doing?
Dermott: I’m givin’ you my earth germs! *cough, cough* I’m gonna kill you with my cold. *cough* Die, alien!
Henchman 24: I’m not an alien, dillweed. I’m a henchman! And you’re not a Venture Brother. Who the hell are you?
Dermott: I’m Hank’s friend.
Henchman 24: Yeah, I doubt that.
Dermott: Would you believe I’m… Brock Samson’s long lost son?
Henchman 24: If that were true, I don’t think I would have caught you this easily.
Dermott: I couldn’t run because …I had a lighter up my ass.
Henchman 24: Ok, NOW I believe you’re Hank’s friend.

Henchman 21: If I had a lady like your wife, I’d be with her right now and I’d be brushing her hair and then we’d explore our feelings.
The Monarch: If you had a lady like my wife, you would be in an alternate future where dogs talk and birds have human pets.