The Buddy System



Dr. Venture, in a bid to make some much-needed money, opens up the compound as “Rusty’s Day Camp for Boy Adventurers.” But while the children are kept busy with activities like judo lessons from Brock and quizzing with Master Billy Quizboy, the Monarch sends in the Murderous Moppets to spy on his former arch-nemesis.

Opening Title Text: Camp size has been estimated based on a survey conducted in 1978. All camps created after cited survey have not been taken into consideration. Rusty’s day Camp is a privately owned camp. Therefore any and all children residing on the premises are to be considered trespassers. Rusty’s Day Camp holds the right to prosecute any or all trespassers that do not uphold the rules and regulations stipulated in the supplied document entitled “I’m A Good Day Camper”.

Dr. Venture: Hey, kids! It’s time for adventure at Rusty’s Day Camp for Boy Adventurers! The largest privately run day camp for budding super-scientists in the area! Learn adventuring from pros like Action Johnny, Master Billy Quizboy, and of course, me- Rusty Venture! Star of the “Rusty Venture” cartoon! Tell Mom you need excitement! Tell Dad you need a cashier’s check! And we’ll see you there… at Rusty’s Day Camp for Boy Adventurers!

Just giving back to the fans. Makes me feel warm a fuzzy.
These kids paid 200 bucks a head to get in and then you charge another 20 to get their picture taken with a cardboard cutout, I’m not sure that qualifies as giving back.
Alright, keep it down. I don’t want my fans to know how mean you are to their heroe. That’s right! It’s Rusty Venture!

Tim-Tom: When do we eat sir? We would’ve stop for a Cruller, if I knew you were gonna starve us.
Kevin: Ohh… those aren’t the only reasons.
Dr. Venture: There are fully stoked vending machine right next to the gift shack. Why don’t you donate yourself an 8 dollar bag of Combos.

Dr. Venture: [as the Moppets pass by] Some people just shouldn’t breed. Those are some ugly kids.
Brock: Kids? You’re kiddin’ right? They’re achondroplastic dwarves.
Dr. Venture: And they’re almost as good as you or I and they deserve this camp as much as any kid here. You’re such a racist.
Brock: They’re not really a race, doc.
Dr. Venture: Will you listen to yourself, Hitler?

Billy: Well, I’m not really a boy adventurer.
Camper: Then why are you here? Because you have a big head?
Billy: Hey! All celebrities have large heads. Ever seen Christina Ricci in real life?
Camper:So what are you supposed to be?
Billy: I’m a Quizboy! It’s a seriously underrated branch of boy genius.
Quiz-boy? You don’t really look like a little kid!
Billy: [sighs] Ok fine! I’m 35 years old, you happy? I am neither boy nor adventurer. Brilliant, you solve the case of let’s hurt the unpaid volunteer’s feelings. Pretty smart kid! You know what you’re gonna be?
I’m gonna be a Boy Adventurer like Rusty Venture!
Billy: [hits buzzer] What is wrong! You my friend are gonna be a Quizboy!
Camper: No I won’t.
Billy: [hits buzzer again] I’ll take yes you are for 50 points.

Pirate Captain: We can’t all be famous adventurers, but that doesn’t mean you have to be out of the adventure game all together.
Day Camper: You mean becoming supervillians?
Pirate Captain: Shiver me timbers, no! I’m talkin’ about the “rubber mask” set. The Little Guys.
Day Camper: Do we get to wear cool costumes?
Pirate Captain: You betcha do. If you run a museum, you get yourself a glowin’ suit of armor. You wanna protect your gold from meddlin’ kids? You might try a Ghost-Miner-Forty-Niner. Look at me, I look like Johnny Depp!
[The boys cheer excitedly]
Pirate Captain: Oh, and that’s not all. Sometimes you get to hang out with people who were famous once, like Cher and the guy who did the voice for Inspector Gadget.

Dr. Venture: Hank! Stop calling me pop! If these kids find out that their hero has had sex their heads will explode!
Hank: But I wanna show my new friend-
Dr. Venture: This isn’t all about you, Hank. These kids wanna see Rusty Venture. Maybe when there’s a cartoon called ‘The Venture Brothers’ it’ll be different.

The Monarch: What are you doing? You’re on Monarch’s time! You snack off the clock. Wait! See if they have that in a medium. That’s hilarious!

The Monarch: Man-O-Manatee! Where did you get that number?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: You like it? It’s the prototype for my Dr. Mrs. The Monarch costume.
The Monarch: I don’t want to be picky. But you’re gonna trip on those wings and aren’t you afraid your cupcakes might slide out?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Whatever it takes. I’m more worried this makes my ass look chunky.
The Monarch: Oh Dear! Come here and sit on your kings ever expanding throne.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: What is that?
The Monarch: No doubt a recruitment facility, cleverly disguised as like the gayest day camp ever!

Dean:What is that? It’s huge! It can’t be a kid.
Hank: Dean, that’s a teenager.
Dean: B-But we don’t look like that. Oh crap, he’s coming over here. I gotta go.
Hank: Dude, what is your problem?

Dermott: Hey.
Hank: Hey.
Dermott: Your mom made you come to this loser-con too?
Hank: I don’t have a mommy.
Dermott: So what? I don’t have a dad. He was in black ops; probably went undercover to kill somebody. Hey what was that nerdy kid’s problem?
Hank: Oh that’s my brother Dean. He’s never seen another teenage boy before.

Jonny: Hey how many of you got fathers out there? Show of hands? You! Why is your hand not up, man? What, no father? You don’t look like Jesus, bro-
Camper: My dad died. While I was sleeping.
Jonny: Oh well you had a father. Well now you’re fuckin’ free, man! Let’s go, come on, I wanna see those hands up! Oh wait, Action Johnny’s hand isn’t up. Why is that? Does he not have a father? NO!!! Fathers are caring and protective men, and I don’t have one of those! No, no, but who cares?! Who cares who cares who cares who cares!!! Maybe I did kill the dog, alright I was the lizard man who stole your precious serum you loved that serum more than you loved me!! FATHER!!! FAAAATHER!!!!

Brock: [watching from behind the crowd] I liked him better when he was strung out. Poor bastard, I can’t believe you got him to do this.
Dr. Venture: I know! You should read his rider. He requested twenty bars of Lever 2000, one bottle of Crystal, one bottle of Don Paragon and two cases of Tropicana Twisters.
Brock: [laughs] Right. Right, who was that, Van Halen?
Dr. Venture: No that was Sean Puffy Combs Daddy.

Hank: Hey pop! Can I show my new friend my bedroom? I never had a friend in there. You know pop, I’ve never even had a friend.
Dr. Venture: Hank! Stop calling me pop! If these kids find out that their hero has had sex their heads will explode!
Hank: But I wanna show my new friend…
Dr. Venture: This isn’t all about you, Hank. These kids wanna see Rusty Venture. Maybe when there’s a cartoon called ‘The Venture Brothers’ it’ll be different.
Brock: Hey Hank, I could sure use your help with my judo class. I, can’t do it without your Akim.
Hank: I’ll go change! Into my gi!
Brock: Smooth, doc.
Dr. Venture: Wait ’til you have kids of your own.

[The Order of the Triad put on a safety sketch]
Jefferson Twilight: Killin’ Blackulas with a sword is cool. But you know what’s really cool? Safety!
Dr. Orpheus: The Order of the Triad have many strange and mysterious enemies!
The Alchemist: Enemies of safety!
Jefferson Twilight: One of our enemies is invisible!
Dr. Orpheus: And he can enter any home through the ground! He’s waiting for you right now in the basement!
The Alchemist: His name is Radon! And he will give you lung cancer!
Jefferson Twilight: Lung cancer? But, Al, I don’t smoke!
Dr. Orpheus: Of course you don’t, Jefferson! Because smoking is more evil than the hoary denizens of the Underworld! And if you did smoke, we’d know it. Because we have a SMOKE DETECTOR in every room!
The Alchemist: With fresh batteries! Remember: if your smoke detector doesn’t work, the silence…
All: Could be deadly!
[They bow. As they look up, they notice that all of the children have gone.]
Jefferson Twilight: When did we lose ’em?
Dr. Orpheus: That was my fault. I really hit them with that “radon” part.
The Alchemist: We never get to my song!

Brock Samson:Alright, you really gotta pound that hip in there. Break his balance. You can’t just pull a guy over, you have to roll him over your hip.
Dermott:Yeah, what’s that throw called?
Brock Samson: That one’s called O Goshi.
Dermott: You mean O-gay-shi. You guys look like a couple of Bonobo chimps.
Brock Samson: What?
Hank: [snicker] O-gay-shi.
Dermott: Yeah. If someone pulls that ridiculous move on me, I lay my inside axe kick to their face. I call “The Widow maker” if I like kick a guy that’s married.
Brock Samson: Alright. Maybe you want to come up here and show us some of your technique.
Dermott: Yeah. You wish. Too bad i had to register my hands in step as lethal weapons. Afraid the government made me do that.
Brock Samson: What are you? Kid seriously, are you for real?
Hank: Brock, are your feet registered?
Brock Samson: Nobody’s are! They don’t even do that! This kid’s insane!
Dermott: Pftt! That’s right walk away.
Brock Samson: Uh… uh… I’m not going anywhere. What… what are you doing?

Billy: Alright Junior Adventurers! Who wants a tour of Rusty’s Scientastic Facilities?

Dr. Venture: What was that out there?
Brock Samson: Tha- that kid was pushing my buttons hard. I- I wanted to beat on him.
Dr. Venture: Don’t even think about it, I’m uninsured! Go cool down. You look like you’re gonna pop a blood vessel.
Brock Samson: Yeah, yeah… I don’t know what’s got into me.

Billy: All aboard for fun! Next stop excitement town! Don’t forget to collect your free smile from the trolley conductor!

The Monarch: What are you two idiots doing?! Get on that golf cart thing! Now!!
Dr. Girlfriend: Sweetie, calm down! Honestly!
The Monarch: It’s a tour of the compound! That idiot Dr. Venture is about to open his shirt and tell me where to stick the knife!
Dr. Girlfriend: You’re arching.
The Monarch: I’m seizing an opportunity. Now how do you do a screen capture? It’s like shift option- augh!! Oh! Crap I made an umlaut.

[On the tram ride…]
Dr. Venture: We’re going to use The Buddy System. The person seated next to you is your buddy. Everyone say, “Hi, buddy!”
Campers: (doing so) Hi, buddy!
Dr. Venture: If you touch something that melts your fingers off, tell your buddy! If you get a face-full of burning hydrofluoric acid, it’s your buddy who drags you to one of the many eye wash stations! Any Questions?
Camper: When do we get to met Rusty?
Dr. Venture: [sighs] I’m Rusty Venture. Why can’t you kids wrap your heads around that?
Camper: What happened?
Dr. Venture: I left Neverland so I could marry Wendy, what do you think happened? Any good questions?
[Dermott raises his hand]
Dr. Venture: Yes, the kid that’s bigger than everyone else.
Dermott: Yeah it’s Pat. Pat McCrotch. Yeah is this gonna suck the whole time or is this like the only part that sucks? I just wanna gauge how much suck I’ve gotta friggin sit through.
Dr. Venture: Any real questions about the tour? Okay the blond boy.
Hank: Uh yes, Walter. Walter Melon. Is this gonna be doo-doo stupid or-
Dr. Venture: Walter! Walter is it? Yes. Locked in your room for two weeks with nothing to eat but potatoes. And no car. Ever.
Hank: What does that have to do with-
Dr. Venture: Oh what? I’m sorry I thought you asked me how long your father is going to punish you.

Dr. Orpheus: Sooo, anybody that doesn’t immediately give you respect, you murder.
Brock Samson: No. No. Well, I mean I don’t always kill them or anything, just like a bruise or two as a little reminder. I mean, until this kid!
Dr. Orpheus: Just talk to him! When you treat a young man like an adult he acts like an adult.
Brock Samson: If he was an adult I’d kick his ass.
Dr. Orpheus: You can’t stoop to their level.
Brock Samson: Yeah that’s true but… another kid could, right?! No! I know where you’re going with this! Yeah! I could get another kid to beat him down!! [he laughs and runs away]
Dr. Orpheus: Not even close!
Brock Samson: Don’t bother I’m not listening!

Action Jonny: Just say the word man!

Dr. Venture: The E-Den! A fully enclosed, self sustaining, biological environment. Designed to prepare a single male and female astronaut for long term space station inhabitantancy.
Camper: Why is it so dirty?
Dr. Venture: My father died before he taught me to care.

Dr. Venture: Alright! Hands in pockets. I don’t care how soft something looks, there’s no putting your lips on anything.
Billy: This place smells like a hamper at a hippies commune… spooky!
Dr. Venture: Hey! Don’t touch that! It will make you sterile!

Dr. Venture: It’s okay, I’ve talked to a gorilla before. I know their language. [approaches the gorilla] Koko! Fine animal person gorilla. Browse polite nipple there hurry. [the gorilla roars loudly] Sound bad! Billy! Billy I need a kitten.
Billy: Why do you need a kitten?!
Dr. Venture: They like kittens. [the gorilla is smelling him]
Billy: Careful, they can smell fear.
Dr. Venture: Can they smell urine?
Billy: That’s like liquid fear!

[Dermott and Hank are hiding behind a bush]
Dermott: Pretty much knew this was gonna happen. That’s why I keep this little Betty ready to play [he pulls out a handgun]. The SMK Wesling S-2.
Hank: Cool beans. Is that a [whispering] BB gun?
Dermott: Pellet, douche! Spring firing! Like I need a CO2 cartridge going off in my pants. [he aims the gun] Mr. Action has just joined the service.
[Billy is on his hands and knees acting like a kitten]
Billy: Meow, I’m a pretty kitten. Meow. This isn’t working and I don’t know why you think it would!! [he gets shot in the ass with a pellet] Ow!! Son of a bitch!!!

Dr. Venture: Tour’s over kids! Everybody out!

[Master Billy Quizboy has been mauled by a giant gorilla…]
Billy: I jettisoned the hand and got away, but…I wasn’t alone in there. (holding up a child’s shoe) We lost one!
Dr. Venture: Well, where was his buddy? He had a buddy, they all had buddies!
Billy: Rusty, I just saw a little kid get disemboweled!
Dr. Venture: Well, you always wanted to be an adventurer! Not like answering trivia, is it, boy? Ok this is what’s going to happen. I’m gonna tell the kids that the ape was a guy in a costume and never speak of this again! Now give me that shoe.

The Monarch: I don’t want to hate just anybody, I want to hate Venture!

Tim-Tom Moppet: (gleefully) A hit, eh? You want us to make ‘im suffer? Or just end it, quick and quiet-like?
Brock: Nah, nothin’ permanent… just, like, give him a little taste of fear. I guess you can break something small… like a toe…
Tim-Tom Moppet: We can take out his tongue..
Kevin Moppet: (with relish) With a knife!
Tim-Tom Moppet: Or remove ‘is ‘eart…
Kevin Moppet: (with great relish) Yeah, with a knife!
Tim-Tom Moppet: A bigger knife!
Kevin Moppet: (with greater relish) Fucking knife!
Brock: (a touch uneasy) Yeeeeahhhhhhh…. you guys….are….kinda creepy. I think this may be a stupid idea.

The Alchemist: Why don’t we get to be ghosts. We actually have ghost experience. It’s a watsre of good magic.
The Captain: I only have the one sea ghost costume and would not believe how many pirate costumes I have.

The Monarch: I can’t even watch. This is worse then seeing you with another man.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Uh… hey! That’s not my idea.
The Monarch: I thought it would turn me on, but it was just double the embarrassment.

Dr. Zin: Action Johnny! Come give your Uncle Z a hug!
Jonny: What is this shit?! What is this shit man!? What is this some kind of a joke?! Did my father send you!? [he starts to weep and pound his fists on Zin]
Dr. Zin: Keep him off of me! He’s all kinds of crazy!
Brock Samson: Brock go cool Jonny off. Get him a Zima or something.

[Brock carries Jonny away, still crying hysterically]
Dr. Zin: Come now, Dr. Venture, you told me it would be all cool! Then I get here and Jonny’s wired. [dramatic] Yes, Dr. Venture!! Wired like a time bomb attached to a killer whale! Set to go off the moment your try to free yourself!
[the crowd cheers, Zin takes a bow]
Dr. Zin: You never lose it. Seriously, you told me Jonny was clean now.
Dr. Venture: He’s been dry for a month but he’s been downing Xanax like they were Cheetos. He’ll be fine. Just get in your little helicopter and do a few passes.
Dr. Zin: Okay. Can I shoot at him?
Dr. Venture: I don’t think so.
Dr. Zin: How about scorpions? Can I drop scorpions on him?

Dermott: Yeah, I bet that foreign guy could totally trounce your dad’s lover.
Hank: Who?
Dermott: Your dad’s lover in the bunny suit. The one who picked Action Jonny up like he was gonna totally hump him!
Triana: Dude, do you have any idea what a dork you are? I mean any? You think you’re all hardcore, but you are so Dave Matthews.
[Dean is starting to freak out]
Dermott: You’re lucky you look like a Suicide Girl, because if you…
Dean: Nobody! That’s not how!
Dermott: Whoooa, silent Sally speaks! [to Triana] Okay why don’t you wait for me naked while I kick your boyfriend’s…
Dean: Ahhh! You are very rude! Whhhy?!

Dr. Zin: That child is a spinning murder top! Are you sure he’s your son?
Dr. Venture: Dean!! Stop hitting tha…
Brock Samson: No no no no, they’re kids, they’re kids! Why don’t you just them them work this out? Yeah!!

Sgt. Hatred: This is Sgt. Hatred, your nemesis, welcome to flaming hell! Scorch it boys!

Dr. Venture: Brock, that suit is rented. Stop getting blood on it.
Brock Samson: He started it!

Sgt. Hatred: We gotta get on the same page here. I’m just pulling a Moses on some shrubs, it’s rock bottom henching!
Dr. Venture: Well you can’t just barge in and expect a hug! I’m running a day camp today.
Sgt. Hatred: My patoot! Says right here [reads clipboard] Wednesday, 5:30, menace Dr. Venture.
Dr. Venture: Let me see that. And I’m sorry about my man Brock. He’s not as good with children as I am and they’re getting to him. Okay, here’s your problem. 5:30 a.m. A.M.!
Sgt. Hatred: Looks like a fancy p- alright fine. Malice Troop! Back in the hover tank! Private Schwa!
Pvt. Schwa: Sir?
Sgt. Hatred: Ask the gang where they want to stop for chow.
Pvt. Schwa: Sir, yes, sir!
Sgt. Hatred: I’m thinkin’ lentil soup. See if Au Bon Pain is okay.
Sgt. Hatred: [sighs] So I’m just gonna take this off as an arch. If you could just sign here… there’s a little space for comments, I guess you could say I was absolutely menacing, and…
Dr. Zin: Oh ho ho, this brew-ha-ha brings me back!
Sgt. Hatred: Get right out of town!! The Dr. Z! Aw man, I love your work. When you had Kaseem eaten by a damn cheetah or something. The guy kills his own number two, that is priceless!
Dr. Zin: [dramatic] The fool! He made his last plunder!!
Sgt. Hatred: [laughs] This guy right here! Total pro! Aw, I, I gotta get a picture. Private Tilda!
Pvt. Tilda: Sir, yes, sir!
Sgt. Hatred: Get the surveillance equipment!

Camper: That’s my dad. Thanks for zombie self defense lesson, Mister Samson.

Father: Have you see our son, Kyle?
Dr. Venture: Oh, there you are! I’ve got your sweet boy here.
Father: You sure he’s okay? He’s limp, and did you…
Dr. Venture: We shaved his head for the sack race. Wind resistance. Yeah, first place. Then in boy adventurer tradition we poured victory plasma over him. Haha, good fun. He’ll be fine.
[the parents take their boy and walk off]
Brock Samson: You didn’t.
Dr. Venture: Oh please. You should have seen that kid’s DNA. He was a ticking time bomb of cancer. I cleared that up. Trust me, they’ll thank me after they re-potty train him.

Short N’ Sassy shampoo? Do they even make that anymore?
Um no. Because if you mix Short N’ Sassy with the active ingredients in Cert, which is retsin… you get napalm. You lather that up and it’s goodbye to most of your face.
Pftt, that’s my mom, gotta brush.
Hey Dermott, are you gonna call me or whatever friends do when they’re friends?
Yeah, we’ll hang. Check it sleezy… Loser!
Bye bye… Loser. Hehe.

Dermott’s Mom: Dermott sweetie, did you meet him?
Dermott: Pssh, yeah. He was okay. You sure he’s my real father?

Tim-Tom Moppet: How’dwe do, mum?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Great! My little moppets were perfect like always! Come give your lady a hug.
She squats down and hugs them to her large breasts
Tim-Tom Moppet: (leering at her breasts) I like yer new costume, mum…
Kevin Moppet: (also leering) I like huggin you in your new costume….
[camera pans back, showing both of the Moppets lecherously rubbing her back]
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Ok you two. Time to stop…