Billy Quizboy: White, I just remembered something…
Pete White: What?
Billy Quizboy: Everything…
Pete White: Hello, Goldilocks? This is Casper. Little Nemo has fallen out of bed.
Pete White: Hello and Welcome to Quizboys! I’m your host the ever popular Pete White. Let’s jump right in and meet today’s contestants, shall we? He’s our reining champion and he’s won over 40,000 dollars in cash and prizes so far. Say hello to Master Billy Wayland!
Billy: Hi Mister White!
Pete White: So, what are you gonna do with all that prize money Billy?
Billy: Well, Im hoping to save it for college tuition
Pete White: Any idea where you want to go yet?
Billy: Sure! MIT! I’m gonna be a super scientist when I grow up, just like my hero, Rusty Venture!
Dr. Venture: Barkeep! Another Suffering Bastard!
Myra: How could you just leave like that without telling me where you’re going?
Dr. Venture: You’re not my mother, you’re my bodyguard.
Myra: How can I guard your body if I can’t be close to your body?!
Dr. Venture: Oh, God, barkeep, where is that Suffering Bastard?
Bartender: I’m looking at him!
Billy: I never asked for the answers! I didn’t want to cheat! You did this to me!
Pete: Hey, hey lets not make me out to be the bad guy here, huh? Us freaks have to stick together.
Billy: Us freaks? Ya like fun. A handsome TV guy like you. You’ll probably end up with a talk show out of this.
Pete: No Billy, you see (takes off his wig), I’m a freak too.
Billy: Well, some of us can’t make our heads smaller with makeup, ok?
Pete: The invisible hand of fate has brought us to this point, Billy. Our destiny lies with Doctor Rusty Venture!
Pete: Just got to get out to his lab and I’ll take care of the rest. Now you got all that prize money, right?
Billy:No I don’t! The FCC froze my assets.
Pete:Yeah… and I pissed most of my savings on blow. But I’ve got a brand new set of wheels and I think I just might know a way to earn some gas money on the way!
Shore Leave: Well, well, well, well, well. If it isn’t Mr. McGee and his little friend, The Hulk. Didn’t notice you fellas out there in the battlefield as usual.
Brock Samson: That’s because were doing real spy work, Shore Leave.
Shore Leave: Oh, and Hunter, Wayland Flowers called, and he wants his Madam back. BOOM!
Col. Hunter Gathers: Yeah? Well, the Village People called, and they want you to go fucking kill yourself, YOU PRANCING BASTARD!
Col. Hunter Gathers: This place has gone to hell in a ham sandwich since they eighty-sixed the dress code.
Billy: I’ve only heard about these, I did not know they were real.
Pete: This is as real as they get. No lightning round, no bonus question, no mercy!
Contestant 1: You’re going down, Wayland! Don’t even think about pulling that cheatin’ crap here!
Contestant 2: Yeah. You know what they do if they catch you cheating, dont’cha? They take one of your hands. You’re buzzer hand!
Billy: White! White! I can’t do this!
Pete: Oh yes you can fella! I’ve seen a lot of Quizboys come and go and you are by far the best I’ve ever seen! You were put on this earth for one purpose, Billy –to quiz! Now I robbed you of that purpose once and I’m sorry. Will you let me make it up to you?
Announcer: Stage moms clear the arena! Ladies and Gentlemen! Quizboys and Girls! Welcome to the Quiz Doom! Jeopardy rules apply. Answers in the form of a question. You have five seconds after buzzing. Winner take all! And the first question… In 1215… [Interrupted by buzz] Bill Wayland!
Billy: What is the Magna Carta?
Announcer: Correct!
Brock Samson: Cows on my side. 6-2 Me.
Col. Gathers: Monsters! I’ll catch you yet. Show yourselves you cowards! This is the farm belt! Let’s see some action on this side!
Brock Samson: Cows on my side.
Col. Gathers: Aghh… unconscionable bastard!
Oh! Oh! Cemetery! You loose all cows!
Col. Gathers: Damn it! This side is cursed! Time for you to drive, you lorrid gollum!
Billy: My life is over. I have no prospects and my boyhood hero is a total dick.
Pete: Just don’t you worry. The Pink Pilgrim has gotten you this far, I’m not gonna leave you hanging when the chips are down. In fact, I’ve already lined up another quiz.
Pete: Let’s be honest here, Billy. You did lose.
Billy: I was disqualified because you jumped in the ring!
Pete: To get your hand!
Billy: Stop the moped! Stop this thing right now!
Pete: Billy, there are coyotes… you want to lose your other hand?
Billy: It’s safer then spending one more minute with you! You have brought me nothing but trouble since I met you! I never want to see you again!
[Pete drives off]
Billy: Oh! And by the way, I talked to the other Quizboys, managers get 15 percent!
Col. Gathers: Son, looks like you could use a hand.
The Nozzle: Please do not be alarmed. We are about to engage… the nozzle. Please do not move while the nozzle is engaging. Moving will disrupt calibration of… the nozzle. Pleae wait while we calibrate… the nozzle. Please do not look away from… the nozzle. The nozzle is now calibrating. (long pause) The nozzle is still calibrating. The nozzle has completed calibration. Thanks you.
Billy: I’m still a little confused. I mean, why me?
Brock Samson: You fit the profile.
Colonel Gathers: Deformed, disgraced. An extra-intelligent superfreak shunned by an unforgiving world.
Billy: Yeah, that sounds like a profile for, like, suicide.
Brock Samson: Or an international super-villain.
Colonel Gathers: Congratulations lad, you’re a fully matriculated student at state university.
Billy: I kinda wanted to go to MIT
Colonel Gathers: (rips open his shirt) And I wanted to be born with big, beautiful tits! (to Brock) Make some lemonade with this, will you?
Prof. Fantomas: Ahh! Young Mister Wayland! Do find a seat quickly, Quizboy. I was trying to teach your more punctual peers.
Billy: Sorry Professor… Fantomos. I had trouble finding the building.
Prof. Fantomas: Yes, yes. It’s a great big new world for you! And Mister Quizboy I heard you were recently exonerated, but allow me to impress one thing upon you, we do not tolerate cheating at state university. The Punishment is severe!
Brock: Just keep your cool and don’t blow the mission. We’re getting some excellent intel out of you!
Billy: What intel? I’ve been here a day! I haven’t done any spying yet!
Col. Gathers: Sure you have! That new eye of yours? It’s actally a 3-D laser-matrix holographic camera! (indicating Billy’s mechanical hand) And this little pud puller stores all the data!
Billy: You guys wired me?
Col. Gathers: Are you kidding? Why, you’re a walking wire! And right now, you need to walk back in there and do you God-given duty! There are no free hands in this business, son!
Prof. Fantomas: (covering when Billy is at the door) I’m… sorry, Sheila, but if I extend the deadline for one student, I’d have to extend it for all of them.
Sheila: Well, thank you anyway, Professor Fantomos.
Prof. Fantomas: Mister Wayland, thank you for coming!
Billy: Professor Fantomas, if this is about my paper, I’m really sorry.
Prof. Fantomas: We’ll get to that. But first, I wanted to see how your holding up and extend my deepest condolences about Stevie.
Billy: Uh… I’m the one that should be sorry. I understand he was your lab assistant for… some time.
Prof. Fantomas: Yes. He was quit the clever boy. Regrettable… which brings us to the other reason I asked you here.
Billy: [sighs] My paper. You see…
Prof. Fantomas: I’ll be needing a new lab assistant! And I’d like him to be you!
Billy: Me? Oh! Ohhh… Uh, I don’t think I’m ready.
Prof. Fantomas: Nonsense! I read your paper, it was brilliant! Perfect! Frankly, I think my class may be beneath you and this ingenious contraption you built; based on a Mike Sorayama design is it not? He was a student of mine you know. Ahh… the brightest mind I’ve ever taught… until now. There’s something you should know, William. Like you I was born different. Yes, my family rejected me. The last son in a long line of costumed adventurers. Clearly I couldn’t take on the mantle of my for bearers with this body. So, I instead turned to science. What nature in her caprice left unfinished, science had the power to make whole again. And now I have acquired this, my work here is nearly complete. You see I have recently become the beneficiary of rather generous grant… FROM THE GUILD… of collegiate investors.
Billy: Oh… I… I… What? Uh. Ok. Well, I’d love to help you professor but I don’t know if I can handle the extra work.
Prof. Fantomas: Nonsense! The university by laws clearly stipulate that the roommate of a suicide is automatically granted a 4.0 for the semester. You’ve got a free ride, Mister Wayland that I might have you all to myself. The invisible hand of fate ha brought us together, Quizboy! We freaks, if you’ll pardon the crude vernacular must work in tandem.
Billy: I don’t think he’s your guy.
Colonel Gathers: Of coarse he is, all the intel points to points to him damn it!
Billy: Again with the intel! You saw what he said, he’s not in the Guild of Calamitous Intent. It’s like a businessman’s club or something.
Colonel Gathers: That’s what they said about the Bilderberg Group, son… and then whammo! Berlin Wall comes tumbling down.
Billy: No it hasn’t.
Colonel Gathers: Oh, it will, kiddo. It was decided at the last meeting.
Brock Samson: Billy, you have to do the lab assistant gig. You’re are only hope now.
Billy: What do you mean now?
Brock Samson: Well look, I didn’t want to tell you this but Stevie was our other man on the inside.
Colonel Gathers: CODENAME: PUSSY FACE!
Billy: Is that why he kill himself?
Brock Samson: Open your eye kid!
Colonel Gathers: Your real one!
Brock Samson: Fantomas killed him because he was getting too close… we think.
Billy:AND you expect me to take his place? No way Jose!
Brock Samson: Relax! He’s not gonna kill you.
Billy:How can you be so sure?
Colonel Gathers:Because he’s crazy about you. Why he loved your paper!
Billy:I never wrote my paper! I spent the night explaining the dead Stevie in the closet to the campus police!
Colonel Gathers:That’s why we wrote it for you.
Brock Samson: Well, Stephen Hawking did… called in a favor.
Billy:That’s cheating!
Colonel Gathers:Cheating is what the spy business is all about, boychick. Why if we didn’t keep our eyes on our neighbor’s paper, the baddies get the bomb and the whole world goes kablooie! You keep thinkin’ you’re here on the GI bill or something, kid, but you are not here to write essays! You’re not even in college! You are int he Office of Secret Intelligent, you damn, dirty, crybaby freak!!
Prof. Fantomas: Ah! There you are! Come at once. The reactor is all fired up and ready. I need you to monitor the experiment.
Wait. I don’t think I’m qualified to do that. I- I cheated.
Prof. Fantomas:Don’t you think I know that, William?
Billy: You do?
Prof. Fantomas:Of coarse! You do what any of us born differently would do to get a leg up on everyone else. Particularly if were born without proper ones. And what of it? Those quiz show simpletons have no right to keep genius from his dreams over petty money. Could you be a dear and get that for me?
Billy: What are you doing?
Prof. Fantomas: Being born again, my friend. These mechanical husks are more than mere prosthetics. They’re muscle growth accelerators! Incubators for my glorious new, normal limbs!
Billy: You’re gonna grow new arms and legs?
Prof. Fantomas: Precisely my prodigiously perspicacious protege! Only the tremendous power I require to do so was always beyond my grasp. That is, until the Guild provided the atomic get-up-and-go. Now fire it up, my boy!
Prof. Fantomas: Haha! Its working! I feel it! Unspeakable power courses through my every fibrous tissue! I feel as if I can take on the world! More power! I am becoming more than normal, better, stronger. Dare I say… super human? More power William! Something is amiss, check core displacement sequencer!
Billy: I don’t know what that is!
Prof. Fantomas:Of coarse you do! You wrote a paper on it.
Billy: No Professor Fantomas, I didn’t. I didn’t write it! I cheated!
Prof. Fantomas: Oh boy!
Billy: He died for my sins.
Brock Samson: Don’t you want to wait ’til Hunter gets here? You’re gonna strain your voice yelling twice.
Sgt. Haine: Colonel Gathers has been transferred to Guam, effective 0700 this morning. Your windmill chasing days are over, Sancho Panza, you’ve got a new assignment!
Brock Samson: [looks over the file Haine just gave him] Ahhh come on, this is rookie stuff!
Sgt. Haine: Dismissed, Samson!!
Brock Samson: What about the kid?
Sgt. Haine: What, do you want to adopt him? I said take it on the arches.
[Brock stands at attention and doesn’t say a word]
Sgt. Haine: Psy-ops needs guinea pigs for their memory wipe project, okay? So unlike you, he still works here.
Pete: Billy? Billy? You ok fella?
Billy: White? Brock? Dr. Venture… where’d…?
Pete: Its ok pally, you just took a little fall is all. You’re safe now.
Billy: No. I was having the weirdest dream… you son’s of bitches!