The Lepidopterists



Ned: I FLYEE!!! BIG HAPPY SMILE!!

(The Cocoon’s lightning cannon seems to have actually invigorated Ventronic)
The Monarch: (disappointed) Ohhh! Our lightning cannon SUCKS! Who loaded it with robot food?!

The Monarch: What the fuck is that thing?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Ummm, I think it’s a giant robot with a ice cream cone for one of its arms. I think.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: I gotta ask this, is there a reason why you are always using 21 and 24?
The Monarch: I know it sounds crazy, but they both have the rare blend of expendable and invulnerable that makes them the perfect henchmen.

(Admiring Scaramantula’s classic death ray cannon)
Brock: Aww no fuckin’ way! Late 60’s ultra death ray! She’s amazing! Saddle operated with Doom-code gearing. Freakin’ gorgeous.
Mr. Cardholder: If this were a woman, I’d marry it.
Mr. Doe: And I’d jeopardize our friendship by nailing your hot wife.

Brock: So you just wanna kill the Monarch? You want to shoot him, and his wife? You could take his cattle, burn his village down.

Ward: The Guild of Calamitous Intent is antagonist relations only.
Jonas Venture Jr: So who handles the good guys?
Watch: Whoa! (offended) I think the less hurtful term is protagonists.
Jonas Venture Jr: Oh. Yes. Sorry. Who handles the protagonists?
Ward: What, are you serious? OSI! Duh!
Jonas Venture Jr: Can you patch me through?
Ward: Oh, sure. (laughing) Just let me get my red phone! The hotline!
Watch: No, I’ll shine the OSI signal!
Ward: No no, if we really believe, click our heels together and-
Jonas Venture Jr: Okay, okay! I get it! (hangs up)
Ward: Newbie. Did you see his creepy little body?!
Watch: Oh my god, when you were a kid, did you ever make G.I. Joe hump Rainbow Brite ?
Ward: Yeah.
Watch: He’s what their kid would’ve looked like.

Mr Doe: (holding out his hand) Jonas Venture Jr?
Jonas Venture Jr: (folding his arms) I am. And who are the dead men I’m speaking to?
Mr Doe: That’s a joke.
Mr Cardholder: Regular cut-up.
Mr Doe: Should give him a reality show.
Mr Cardholder: I’d watch it.
Mr Doe: I’d watch it twice.
Mr Cardholder: Even if Flava Flav was in it.

Henchman 21: Listen dude, don’t get cozy with us. You’re the guy who doesn’t come back.
Henchman 24: Yeah, some guy who just shows up that nobody’s ever seen before!
Henchman 21: And he’s all professional- Yeah, dude, you’re a goner.
Henchman 24: (putting his arm around Henchman #1’s shoulders) Let me tell you a story about a little henchman named Speedy…

Henchman 21: You still don’t get it. 24 and I have been on, like, a thousand missions. We’ve been shot at, dipped in acid…
Henchman 24: Brock Samson hit me with a car. Drove right into my kidney. Here I am!
Henchman 21: Yeah, we can walk across this floor and nothing would hit us. But then like this huge log would swing down and take your head off.
Henchman 24: Hey, here; what’s your name?
Henchman 1: Henchman number 1.
Henchman 24: See, you are nameless.
Henchman 1: I’m Scott Hall, my name is Scott Hall. Okay?
Henchman 24: No, won’t help.
Henchman 21: Yeah, now it’s just pathos. So you’re dying in my lap and I’m all “Scott! Scott don’t you quit on us! Don’t you dare!!”
Henchman 24: You just made your unavoidable death more pathetic.
Henchman 21: (pause) Fuck it. (begins walking across a laser tripwired floor) Nothing’s gonna happen to me.

Pirate Captain: (after getting shot with tranquilizer darts) Oooohhh…It’s like gettin’ sucked off by an angel!