Escape to the House of Mummies Part II



Team Venture find themselves trapped in the clutches of a bloodthirsty Egyptian cult and their time machine. Doc narrowly escapes and teams up with Master Billy Quizboy and Pete White, but promptly forgets to mount a rescue. So it’s up to Brock and a pantheon of history’s greatest men to find another way out.

(Brock and Hank have just found Dean’s disembodied head inside a small pyramid frame)
Brock: What happened?
Hank: Yeah Clarissa, explain it all
Dean: That guy with the bird head, he has this mummy army, and one of the mummys has a magic scepter. Don’t move Hank, he’s right behind you!
Hank: What? Yep. That’s just Mummy-Mum-Muggy. He’s a good mummy, Dean-o. Right? Muggy friend. (scratches the mummy’s chin) Muggy like his chin rubbed. Who’s a good mummy?
Brock: Hank, get your brother’s head and follow me. There has to be a way out of here.
Hank: Muggy might know! (continues scratching Muggy’s chin) Tell us boy. (Muggy’s head, except for the lower jaw, falls off)
Brock: This is getting stupid! Where the hell is your father?

The Master: Orpheus, you are my best and brightest pupil, even if you do taste a little salty. You’re ready, Orpheus. Now get the hell out of this closet and go win that incredibly gay contest! Go! Go!

Osiris High Priest: Created by Tam, the self-created, from the same egg which emerged Ra, behold the Perfect Man, he who shall reign over all creation!
[Perfect Man is sucking his foot]
Dr. Venture: Very nice. It seems he hates his own foot.
Osiris High Priest: Oh, still?! He’s been doing that all day!

Dr. Venture (to Dean, riding on The Perfect Man’s back): Dean, stop riding the ‘Perfect Man’. Brock has to kill him now.
Dean: Aww, can’t we keep him?
Hank: Yeah, dad! We’ll feed the Perfect Man, and take care of him, and clean up after him.
Dr. Venture: No. He’s an abomination. Go ahead, Brock.
[Brock walks forward carrying a machete]

Osiris Priest: Give me the Hand of Osiris!
Dr. Venture: Give me head.
Osiris Priest: You didn’t just say that!
Dr. Venture: I absolutely did. What are you gonna do about it?
Osiris Priest: (confused) I’m… about to kill your sons.
Dr. Venture: Join the club!

Osiris Cultist: Ooohhh. Fill the Jackal’s head with OIL. Now it makes sense. At first I thought you said scalding hot voile.
Osiris High Priest: Wh-What the hell is voile?
Osiris Cultist: It’s a soft, sheer fabric. I warmed some up in the dryer.
Osiris High Priest: What kind of torture is that? Get out of here! I’m serious, I don’t even want to LOOK at you any more!

Dr. Venture: Hank! Get off those spikes. It’s not a ride.
Hank: Awwww.

Brock: I gotta admit I always wanted to get Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock. That thing is like a pumpkin!

Dr. Orpheus: (answering phone) Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.
Dr. Venture: Uh…Orpheus, it’s your landlord. We’re trapped in a cliché. Use your fake impossible magic to get us out of here.

Brock 1: (formulating a rescue plan) Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear. (Caligula moans happily and hugs Hank) On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone. Ready Dean?
Dean: (with the body of a mummy, riding on the back of the bucking ‘Perfect Man’ and holding two shotguns.) Woah, steady, perfect man. Ready Brock!
Brock 1: When the gates open me, Poe, and me, (pointing to himself from the past) rush in. You got that? (Poe gives the thumbs-up)
Brock 2: You’re going to kill him when he shows up, aren’t ya?
Brock 1: Oh, you know it.
Both Brocks: (raising their machetes) Charge!

Triana Orpheus: (entering her room, where Orpheus is opening her closet door to reveal a supernatural portal) I knew it!
Dr. Orpheus: (flustered) Pumpkin! What are you doing in… your room? Shouldn’t you be… not in your room?
Triana: My whole life I’ve been afraid of that closet! There’s always these weird lights and something that smells like a burning Band-aid.
Dr. Orpheus: Brimstone. Okay fine, porthole to the burning nowhere, you got me.
Triana: Dad! I thought I was going crazy! I mean, I’m still afraid of the closet! Still! I wear the same thing every day because of that closet!
Dr. Orpheus: Well, how was I to know?! Come now, Archie and his indolent companion Jughead wear the same clothes every day. I thought it was an adolescent phase of yours.
Triana: Great. My closet is the door to hell.
Dr. Orpheus: The Necropolis. A porthole to the Necropolis. It had to be on the south side of the apartment, and since you had to have a private bathroom… oh, this is never… (he seizes her head) SLEEP!!

The Master: Look, Orpheus, I know why you’re here, and I chose the form of Argos to teach you a little lesson.
Dr. Orpheus: Don’t you mean Cerberus? Correct me if I’m wrong, but Argos was Ulysses’ dog. He had only one head.
The Master:
See? See? There you go, right there. That’s what I’m talking about. You’re a know-it-all, and no one likes a… (one of his heads begins to lick his crotch) Wait, hold on a sec.
Dr. Orpheus: I only know that I know nothing.
The Master: Way to quote something I said like a year ago. But I’m serious, hold on. This other head likes to clean my genitals with his mouth. I know it sounds weird, I let him do it because it feels great. Oh yeah. The problem is that I can taste it. So, I taste my own genitals. In my mouth. It’s a… conundrum.

Master Billy Quizboy: (questioning why anyone would want to break into their trailer) It’s industrial espionage, you’ve come to steal our great ideas. You’ve been foiled; we have none!

Dr. Venture: What’s with the poetry Wordsworth? Just say it. Say I am a virgin! Billy, that makes you the best canidate to take a ray blast. You have nothing to lose. You’ve never done anything. The way I look at it, it’s not even murder. It’s a very late abortion.