Hate Floats



Things return to normal in the lives of the Ventures. The Monarch confronts Dr. Girlfriend in a mall food court while his new henchmen stumble upon the Venture family shopping.

#21: Are you the bully of your school? Or the victim of bullying? Do you watch movies about costumed heroes and think, “Wow, that guy’s a pussy. I sure hope a much cooler bad guy kicks his ass.”?
#24: (unconvincingly) Wow, it’s like you were reading my mind.
#21: I am not a mind reader, stranger. You, like so many others, are drawn to this sexy, action-packed lifestyle of the professional henchman.
#24: But I could never be a henchman. I am just a normal guy who is between the age of 18 and 30. A loner who lacks ties to friends and family.
#21: You, stranger, are the perfect candidate for costumed aggression.
Gang Member 1: Yo, fat boy. You get to carry a piece?
#21: But of course. Your standard Grade One henchman in service of the mighty Monarch is issued a dart gun and a grappling cannon to name only a few of the exciting accoutrements that will aid the henchman in his wonderous world of career henching.
Gang Member 2: Hey, what kind of ride we get?
#21: How does an enormous flying cocoon sound to you?
#24: Wow, a flying cocoon. I can already feel my life getting better!

Dean: I look like Santa’s magic janitor.

Dean: Don’t say it.
Hank: You look like the Mayor of Candy Land.

The Monarch: SHIT! Mall cops! Henchmen, retreat!

#21: We were following orders! You can’t yell at us for following orders.
#24: Or kill us for following orders.

#21: Henchman 28! Front and center!
#28: You want me, you roll your big ass over here. And I done told you, my name is Number One!

The Monarch: There’s just so many buttons… so… so many buttons!

Phantom Limb: I have removed the bullet. And three others, a blowgun dart, two shark’s teeth, a tip of a bayonet, a twisted paperclip, and a meager handful of buckshot. You may want to learn how to duck.

Brock: Not even a scar? Did you look around the nipple, or belly button? Sometimes they- they put ’em in through there.
Phantom Limb: Look, she is all woman. I have explored every supple inch of her and have found nothing but nectar.
Brock: All right, fine. Maybe the Monarch’s just better equipped.
Phantom Limb: [Referring to their Firearms] You are strapping on an ultra-light gyropack. They are only issued to top ranking Guild officials.
Brock: No, I mean better… equipped.
Phantom Limb: She was kidnapped, alright?! Kid. Napped.
Brock: Ehh, I’m just sayin’.

#24: Gentlemen, choose your weapons.
#24: Is this them?
#21: ‘Are these they.’
#24: Who talks like that?
The Monarch: Let me through, I’m the leader here, I’ll distribute the… wha. (uneasy pause) Are these they?
[The Arsenal turns out to be simply a crude collection of fan memorabilia]
The Monarch: You fucking idiot! What the hell are we supposed to do with this crap? Make them laugh so hard they blow malt liquor out of their noses?
Dr. Venture: No, I think you’ll have that covered when you storm the room in butterfly costumes.
The Monarch: Oh, ha ha ha. Nice onesie, dick. Does it have snaps in the back so you can make poopie?
#24: Whoa!! Snap! No he didn’t!
Dr. Venture: This is a speed-suit, mister, not a onesie!
The Monarch: Fine. Maybe they’ll think you’re a three-year old with progeria and take pity on us!

Dr. Venture: What am I supposed to do with these, tell their fortunes?
#21: They are Magic: The Gathering cards, not Tarot cards. You can toss them at their heads. Well, you catch a corner with one of those and they’ll know what hit them.

Dean: Mommy, how do you know where to go?
Dr. Girlfriend: I’m not your mommy! And I put a tracer on the Monarch when we were first dating- HANK, take this right!
Hank: I’m driving! I’m a driver!
Dean & Dr. Girlfriend: (in unison) We know!
Dr. Girlfriend: Yeah, tracer. You do stuff like that when you date super villains.
Dean: Where’d you put it? Is it in his brain? Or is it like a secret tracer tooth?
Dr. Girlfriend: No, I hid it in my mouth and I jammed it up his- (smirking) Honey, like I said, you do some pretty strange things when you date super villains.

Phantom Limb: Oh yes, apart from ‘Behold-the-Giant-Walking-Death-Ray’ speech, the ‘Welcome-To-Hell’ speech is my favorite.

Phantom Limb: You told me you never put a tracer on another man!

Phantom Limb: [To Dr. Girlfriend] He’s only a man…and no man can resist your charms.
Brock: Pfff…’No man’. I’m still looking for the scars on her.
[The Limb shoots him with a Tranquiliser Dart]
Phantom Limb: [Defensively] What? I’m a supervillain.

Hank: Who are all these people?
Dean: Are they all mommy’s other boyfriends?
Dr. Girlfriend: Stop calling me your fucking mommy!

The Monarch: (to his new henchmen) Who gave you real guns?