Powerless in the Face of Death



Life goes on after the tragic deaths of Hank and Dean in this Season Two opener. Meanwhile, the Monarch deals with life “inside.”

Jonas Venture Jr.: But we’re the Venture Brothers! Shouldn’t we work Together?
Dr. Venture: Unh. What does it take to get rid of you, you parasite? Tweezers and a match? I gave you life, I gave you half my stuff, I gave you the X2 for God’s sake, what more do you want?! My blood? Here! Take it! Take my blood! [bends over, pointing his rear towards Jonas Jr.] or better yet, Just climb right on back inside me! [pats rear] Go on! Jump back in there! Come on!
Jonas Venture Jr.: [sighs] Fine. Never mind. Just let me get my stuff from the lab and I’ll go.
Dr. Venture: ‘The lab’? Try my lab.
Jonas Venture Jr.: Yours, mine. what does it matter? We’re the Venture Brothers!
Dr. Venture: Oh, wow, you’re so generous with my things.

Young Hector: This Aztec calendar says today is your lucky day!

Swifty: (Mumbling) I used to be pretty. Yeah but not no more, look at my nose…

The Monarch: Hey! Hey! Are you raping me?!
King Gorilla: No… well, I was gonna.
The Monarch: Gonna?! What the fuck, King?!
King Gorilla: I couldn’t get it up.
The Monarch: AGH! [Holds hands to ears] Lalalalalalala…
King Gorilla: You’re built too much like a girl! I couldn’t get into it.
The Monarch: [stops ‘la’ -ing] What… What a… this isn’t even my cell! What’d you do, take me to your place?
King Gorilla: Well I got porn here… it helps.
The Monarch: AAGH! [Puts hands back to ears as he leaves the cell] Lalalalalalala…

Dr. Orpheus: But I am, by trade, a necromancer! Do you know what that means?
Brock: You have sex with dead people?
Dr. Orpheus: phile! Necrophile!

Dr. Orpheus: (on whether he actually saw the boys) Saw them!? I made them a fucking MILKSHAKE!

Brock: (asked to put the immature clones back into their “incubators”) I hate touching them, they feel like giant Stretch Armstrongs.

Dr. Venture: Look, if you have a clumsy child, you make him wear a helmet. If you have death-prone children, you keep a few clones of them in your lab.

Dr. Orpheus (talking to Triana about raising the dead): Don’t worry pumpkin, daddy does this all the time! Evel Knievel, David Blaine, both daddy’s clients. As was Ronald Reagan, until he bounced a check.

Dr. Venture: [To Half-Formed Corpse] Hank! You are never to call your father a crumb-bum in front of company!

Dr. Orpheus: No shower for Byron Orpheus!

Dr. Orpheus: (to Triana) Now don’t touch anything. You could accidentally make the cat huge…or something.

King Gorilla: You and your Guild can go screw. Ten years of payin’ dues and what do they do to keep me out of here when I got caught!?!
Phantom Limb: Oh, what could we do? You eviscerated and sodomized Vince Neil on national television.
King Gorilla: Hey, I only sodomized half of him! They wanted The Surreal Life, K.G. GAVE it to them!

Dr. Orpheus: Slow down. What about the zombies?
Dr. Venture: Oh, I call those “clone slugs” — grew those years ago from nail clippings, I think. Anyway, after the slugs have been activated, that machine…
Dr. Orpheus: Purgatory.
Dr. Venture: Whatever. That computer feeds all their nocturnally recorded memory synapses.
Dr. Orpheus: Their memories, hopes, and dreams. Their immortal souls!
Dr. Venture: You’re killing me with that crap; just let me finish. That computer feeds synaptic data to their incubation beds; that information is supplemented with basic knowledge that my dad recorded for me so I didn’t have to go to school; and that is why I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 24.
Dr. Orpheus: That is awful!
Dr. Venture: Well, you didn’t see her. It was horrific.

Dr. Orpheus: Who is your grief counselor? Mother Teresa?

The Monarch: Et tu, King Gorilla?

Dr. Orpheus: Wait, perhaps you can help. From your helmet I can charge you have been here long enough–
Buried-Soul Head1: Yes pilgrim, I, in life, was a personal guard to the great Caesar.
Buried-Soul Head2: Nuh uh. Liar. You choked on a popsicle stick at a Halloween party.
Buried-Soul Head1: Oh tell everyone why don’t ya–
Buried-Soul Head2: Everybody knows. Why do ya think you’re in hell? ‘Cause ya fuckin lie.

[Dr. Orpheus is standing in a ring of candles with a shovel]
Triana: …What’re you doing?
Dr. Orpheus: I like digging. Can’t a man walk through his house with a shovel without an inquisition?