A Very Venture Christmas



Dr. Venture throws a Christmas party for many of his friends, but the party goes awry when Dean and Hank find Dr. Orpheus’s spell book. Meanwhile, the Monarch has hatched yet another plan to kill Dr. Venture, this time involving a nativity scene booby-trapped with C4 explosive.

The Monarch: Phew. We almost lost one of our agents. Granted his specialty is pretty limited, but he’s an irreplaceable element of my sexy new plan to destroy Dr. Venture!
Dr. Girlfriend: What plan?
The Monarch: Oh… well. It was supposed to be a surprise. For you. For Christmas.
Dr. Girlfriend: Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve, that’s a gift for me?
The Monarch: Well, I got you some stocking stuffers too…
Dr. Girlfriend: Unbelievable! The selfishness!
The Monarch: Well you hate him too! Or were you just lying on our first date!?
Dr. Girlfriend: (groan) So, what’s the big plan?
The Monarch: Hah! I’m glad you asked! Behold!! (a scale model of the Venture Compound rises from the ground) Tiny Joseph has managed to slip into the Venture Compound and cleverly booby-trap it. At the strike of midnight, Dr. Venture will place his precious porcelain baby Christ in its manger, oh, and when he does, it will set off a series of explosions that will deck his halls with bowels of Venture!
Dr. Girlfriend: (sighs)
The Monarch: What?
Dr. Girlfriend: That model was supposed to be a surprise.
The Monarch: (sheepishly)…I peeked.

Dr. Venture: Spirit, tell me, is this my grave?
Brock: (removing his hood) What’s it look like, genius?

(Brock and Dr. Venture are discussing gifts for the boys)
Brock: Well, Hank’s covered but I’m having trouble with Dean, he’s a little–
Dr. Venture: More effeminate?
Brock: (concerned) –tougher to shop for!

Dean: (in Dr. Venture’s dream as a Jack-in-the-Box) Why didn’t he wish me a merry Christmas? Nobody wants a Dean-in-the-Box!

Hank: Oops, baby Jesus is out of the manger!
Brock: Wha? (quickly checks his pants zipper)

Master Billy Quizboy: Hold the phone. Total babe alert, twelve o’clock.
Pete White: Oh yeah, I know her type. Watch and learn, Wilhelmina.
Billy: Okay, one: you’re totally gay. Two: she’s hot, and you’re an albino. And three: you’re totally gay.

Triana Orpheus: Dad, I can take care of myself, you know.
Byron Orpheus: I’m sorry, pumpkin. I trust you to defend your honor. It’s just that… MY PUMPKIN’S MAIDENHEAD IS NOT A PRIZE TO BE…
Triana Orpheus: DAD!

Dr. Venture: Ooh, Orpheus. I wasn’t expecting you to show up. Didn’t think necromancers believed in Christmas.
Dr. Orpheus: Well, the whole affair is about as real as Kwanzaa, or uh, the Wookiees’ Life Day, but I find it charming.

Hank (to Dean): That gay albino is hitting on your not girlfriend.

Doctor Venture (after the Krampus licks Triana’s face): What kind of kinky christmas spirit is that?!
Doctor Orpheus: It is Germanic in origin.

Dr. Venture: That’s ridiculous! There’s no such thing as Santa Claus!
Dr. Orpheus: Not since he was killed by a jet in 1963, no. Nor has there been a Krampus since the pope cast him into purgatory during Vatican II. But your boys seem to have inadvertently released him from his chains.
Hank: Dean did it! I wanted to read the Grinch!

(The Krampus is sodomizing Dr. Venture)
Dr. Venture: Brock! Come in Brock!
Brock: Hey, Fancy-Pants…I’ve been naughty. [tackles the Krampus] Comin’ in MY HOUSE, ON CHRISTMAS! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS, YOU CHRISTMAS PIECE OF SHIT?!

(after crashing in Bethlehem)
Dr. Venture: So what do we do here, Brock?
Brock: Well, that all depends. If the Israelis get here first then we might have a chance, I know some guys in the Mossad. If the PLO shows up, well, my Arabic’s a little shaky.
Dr. Venture: Are you kidding? Did you forget? This baby [the X-1] runs on pure plutonium, they’re gonna love us!
Dean: And after all, that’s what Christmas is all about!