Are You There, God? It’s Me, Dean



The Monarch has the Venture family right where he wants them, but a sudden medical emergency delays his wrath.

(Brock, Hank, Dean, and Dr. Venture are hanging over the Amazon River)
Brock: Take your time, Monarch, because the minute you finish your little speech, I’m going to kill you.
The Monarch: What are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Just look at you shmucks, I don’t think I’m the one in danger here, considering the sad fact that right below you flows the mighty Amazon, teeming with the most gruesome fish to ever–
Hank: The piranha.
The Monarch: No.
Hank: The shark?
The Monarch: No!
Hank: (pause) The piranha?
The Monarch: NO!! And shut up! This isn’t a quiz.

The Monarch: Below you swims the dreaded Candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man’s urethra!

Dr. Venture: Did you lift anything heavy?
Dean: (in extreme pain) I told you, it’s not a hernia.
Dr. Venture: Were you roughhousing with your brother?
Dean: Nooo.
Dr. Venture: (suddenly, in horror) Oh dear god… You two haven’t been… experimenting with inappropriate touching-
Dean: No! Gross!
Dr. Venture: I know you’ve been seeing a lot of that little tramp who lives next door. Lord knows what kind of diseases that hussy carries.
Dean: (groans, still in acute testicular pain) It’s getting worse!
Dr. Venture: Dean, I don’t want you hanging around with Triana Orpheus any more. I don’t approve of the way she dresses! Girls like that are usually on the dope. (gasps) Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum?! You can tell me! – I’m hip!
Dean: Daa-ad!! Why are you doing this?! I don’t know what I did!! Suddenly it just felt like someone kicked me in the rocks, and- and they never took their foot away!
Dr. Venture: Alright Dean, you’re going to have to pull down your pants. I have to palpate the region.
Dean: Please dad! Please, please, please don’t feel me up!
Dr. Venture: I’m going to palpate, Dean. This isn’t any fun for me either. Do you want me to get H.E.L.P.eR. to do it? Is that better for you? A doddering old robot with cold, steel claws. Is that what you want?
Dean: Ahhhuh!! I want a doctor!!

The Monarch: Dr. Girlfriend, would you come over here with me for a minute.
Dr. Girlfriend: (oblivious to the situation) Oh I guess the muscular one is alright, but the boy is just going too far. Can’t we just use the puppet again?

Dean: I don’t want to show my junk to a little boy.

#24: Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.
#21: Oh my God, you’re crazy! They’re so obviously mammals!
#24: Please! She’d be in estrus 24/7 if she didn’t lay eggs.
#21: Smurfs don’t lay eggs! I won’t tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They’re mammals!

Dr. Venture: What happens if we wait?
Master Billy Quizboy: That’s not so good. My guess is that in a couple of hours, your son’s testes are going to die, then atrophy.
Pete White: Think raisin, or better yet, you know when you’re eating peanuts, and you crack one open and the little nut is all dark and crammed into one corner…
Master Billy Quizboy: You’re finished, right? As for untwisting them, I don’t know which way they spun.
Pete White: Unless you’re that guy from INXS and that’s, like, your thing, the pain would be excruciating.

Dean: Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I’m gonna put them under the pillow for the tooth fairy!
Hank: Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?
Dr. Venture: Hank, don’t brag to your brother about your circumcision.

#24: Boss, there’s a monster down here!
#21: I think it was two ninjas taped together to make one giant ninja!
#24: I saw it climb the wall, it was a giant spider!

The Monarch:
Hank. Hank! I am your real father!
Hank: No way. No way, that’s not true!
The Monarch: Psyche!! Ha, sucker! You were all (mimicking) “Oh daddy, you’re my daddy!” You are so gullible! What is that like?!

(Hank is looking at a list of supervillains in a Guild of Calamitous Intent handbook)
The Monarch: Well, look under M, for (shakes fist, intimidating glare) MONARCH!!
Hank: Nope, don’t see you there.
The Monarch: Really? Well, look under T, for (same fist-shaking and intimidating glare) THE MONARCH!!

Hank: Hey, I had to sleep in my clothes. Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row!
The Monarch: You’re kidding me, right? That’s the only outfit I’ve ever seen you in!
Hank: Well, that doesn’t mean I never wash it.
The Monarch: Fair enough. Number 27! Get the kid a change of clothes! (Looking at Brock) How ’bout you? You ok?
Brock: I didn’t sleep in my clothes.
The Monarch: 27! Burn his sheets!

Brock: You scream, I’ll break your neck, you understand me? (Dr. Girlfriend nods, and Brock takes his hand from her mouth)
Dr. Girlfriend: You’re going to take advantage of me, aren’t you? (removes the bedsheets to reveal herself in lingerie) Well, be quick with it!
Brock: To be honest with you, I never really considered that.
Dr. Girlfriend: Why not?
Brock: Just didn’t.
Dr. Girlfriend: (obviously disappointed) Well, I’m not gonna beg.

Brock: Why haven’t you tried the world domination thing? You scared of the big leagues?
The Monarch: Please, how stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I’ll leave that to the religious nuts and the Republicans, thank you.