Ghosts of the Sargasso



Dr. Venture attempts to find one of his father’s abandoned inventions on the sea floor, while a gang of fake ghost pirates board the ship.

Dean: Dad is super serious all of a sudden. Do you really think he’s in as much danger as he says he is?
Brock: Oh yeah, he’s screwed. I give him about an hour before he panics and begs for us to haul him up.
Dr. Venture: Okay, guys, I can hear all this!

Dr. Venture, Sr.: Ground control to Major Tom, your circuits dead, is something wrong?

(as Brock beats up the fake ghost pirate)
Pirate 1: Oh crap, he’s getting his ass kicked, let’s go save him!
Pirate 2: You crazy? My sword’s made of cardboard.

Pirate Captain: Hey is that guy dead?
Brock: Yeah, probably.

Pirate Captain: You’re not a very good liar, Dean, are you?
Dean: Maybe…

Hank: Brock, if pirates really exist, I mean, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy could even be real, right? It’s like, all bets are off!
Brock: Hank, nobody ever said pirates don’t exist.
Hank: So you agree with me that this is impossible.

Brock: Hank, if there was ever a time in your life I needed you not to be Hank, it’s now.
Hank: Uh, sorry, Brock.

Brock: Focus, Hank! Whatever you do, don’t light a cigarette. A good sniper can see a hot cherry for miles.
Hank: Brock, I don’t smoke!
Brock: Good. Now’s a lousy time to start.

(Brock is chained up, and talking to Hank through his communicator watch)
Brock: After the twist, you’ll hear a snap. Then the body goes ragdoll on ya.
Hank: And that will knock him out…even more?
Brock: That’ll kill him.
Hank: Do I have to?
Brock: Alright fine, crybaby. Just tie him up and, maybe I guess gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.

Jeanie: Tom, it’s your wife, sweety. You’re dead now – it’s time to go.

[Dr. Ventures has just encountered the ghost of Major Tom]
Dr. Venture: [shivering under a blanket] His eyes! Crazy eyes! Accusing me!
[a pirate hands him a warm drink]
Dr. Venture: Who are you?

Hank: Alright Brock, I know this sounds crazy, but just hear him out.
Pirate Captain: Guuhhm. Can we have a ride home?
Brock: What?
Dean: Noooo. Do it like you said you were gonna.
Pirate Captain: (sigh) I’m really, really sorry about this whole mess, and, you know, the whole pirate thing is behind me now, and… plus, you kinda killed Steve, and burnt my ship. So, if you could give us a lift out of here I figure we’d just call it squaresies.
Brock: (sigh) Alright.
Hank and Dean: Go team Venture!
(the pirate captain looks at Brock)
Brock: I don’t know, they just do that.

Pirate Captain: (having mistaken Brock for Dr. Venture) Your dad has a bodyguard? Why would your dad need a bodyguard? The guy’s a tank.

Dr. Orpheus: Do you have a pen?
Hank: To use as a magic wand?
Dr. Orpheus: To use…as a pen, Hank.

Dr. Venture: (recording an entry in his journal) Oh yeah, I lost my locator, and yes, I realize the irony of that.

Dr. Venture: Cancel the abort code! Re-bort!

Brock: Now, I want you to put your hand around your throat, Hank.
Hank: Uhh…alright.
Brock: That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of that as a handle. Your thumb is on your carotid artery, that’s your button. Now remember, grab the handle, push the button. Repeat that back.
Hank: (gasping) Grab the handle, push the…
Brock: Let go of your own throat, Hank.

Pirate 1: We need that key that starts your boat Mr. Big Stuff. Lets have it.
Brock: It’s up my ass!
Pirate 2: Are you serious?
Brock: Why dont you check.
Pirate 2: (looks at his partner) Well? Check.
Pirate 1: What if he’s lying?
Pirate 2: If he were telling the truth, that would be better?