Fallen Arches



When the Guild of Calamitous Intent finally approves Dr. Orpheus for his very own arch-nemesis he calls upon old friends The Alchemist and Jefferson Twilight to resurrect their former super-team, The Order of the Triad. While they audition supervillain candidates at the Venture Compound, a jealous Doc isn’t about to let Orpheus steal the show. Let loose the Walking Eye!

Jefferson Twilight: Yes, I only hunt blaculas.
Guild Candidate: Oh, so you only hunt African-American vampires?
Twilight: No, sometimes I hunt British vampires. They don’t have “African Americans” in England!
Candidate: Oh yeah, huh, good point.
Twilight: So I hunt blaculas.
Candidate: I was just trying to be…
Twilight: Man, I specialize in hunting black vampires, I don’t know what the P.C. name for that is!

Jefferson Twilight: On three we give him the old Rochambeau.
The Alchemist: Rock-paper-scissors?
Dr. Orpheus: What does a general from the American Revolution have to do with this?
Jefferson Twilight: American Revolution? Rochambeau sounds…sounds French to me.
Dr. Orpheus: Yes, the Franco-American forces.
Jefferson Twilight: They fought with spaghetti-o’s and meatballs?
The Alchemist: Why would a company called Franco-American make Italian food?

Hank: (reading Triana’s message in the bathroom mirror) “I’m in the Torrid Zone. Call my feather”. We need to find her feather!

#21: We’re -totally- going to fly into some hot chick’s bedroom!.
#24: Oh totally! And she’ll be like, dating the good guy. And I’ll come in and be all; “I’ll spare his life, but only for you s-sugarpants”
#21: (Grabbing #24’s shoulders, shaking him roughly) Dude! And then you will have sex! You will be having sex! Sex!

The Monarch: Oh, but which door to choose? That one can have fun, surprises, and a year’s supply of Turtle Wax behind it…. (the prostitute opens the door, and a polar bear pounces on her) … or the polar bear from Lost!

The Monarch: (to the prostitute) I don’t blame you for desiring me…the Monarch is DELICIOUS!!!

Prostitute: Think you can give me directions back to Liberty Street?
The Monarch: Listen and listen well. The road before you is beset with many perils! Every turn you make will bring you closer to the cold awaiting hands of Sister Fate!
Prostitute: Or just the center of town? Do you have a pen? Maybe I should…
The Monarch: Fear me, Theseus, for I AM THE MIGHTY MINOTAUR! [Disrobes, revealing a large minotaur tattoo on his back) This Cocoon has witnessed your sins, and she seeks vengeance! The Cocoon will punish the wicked, the Cocoon will reward the righteous! You must escape from her grasp, you must earn your freedom!
Prostitute: Dude, I don’t have time for… (A trap door beneath the bed opens, sending the Prostitute down)
The Monarch: How much do you want to live?!

Dr. Venture: Well, go sit in the bathroom.
Hank: And do what?
Dr. Venture: Wash your face or something. You know take care of your pimples now, or you’ll look like F. Murray Abraham or Edward James Olmos. (Hank shudders) Do you want to look like someone who made their face out of a beige orange peel?

Dr. Venture: (trying to explain the birds and the bees to Dean) I’m going to explain to you what most boys your age (pauses) have known for like five years already.

Hank: Dude, I killed your girlfriend.
Dean: Wait, she’s my girlfriend?
Hank: Probably, before I killed her.

Brock: (watching the guild candidates attack the walking robotic eye) Well, anyway, I’m gonna go get some of that action.
Dr. Venture: Aren’t you gonna change?
Brock: No way. I love wearing a tux when I kill guys. Makes you feel kinda like James Bond.

Order of the Triad: (Dr. Orpheus, Jefferson Twilight, and the Alchemist do their “thing”) Order of the Triad… Go!
Dr. Venture: Get out of my kitchen.

#24: I can’t believe that whore stole my Stanza.
#21: I can’t believe that whore made it past the lake of acid.

Dr. Venture: Alright Dean,I,er…need to talk about a few things with you.
Dean: Hank did it.

Dr. Orpheus: Do not drink the chocolate milk!