Showdown at Cremation Creek (Part I)



The Monarch finally (for like the fourth time) has Team Venture in his clutches at the one time he doesn’t want them – smack dab in the middle of the social event of the supervillain season. The stage is set for a deadly, ultimate showdown between The Monarch and Phantom Limb for the hand of Dr. Girlfriend.

(Dr. Orpheus is firing magic bolts at Torrid, who teleports a foot away just before each blast hits him)
Dr. Orpheus: It’s like playing Keep Away with the neighborhood spastic! I can’t get a bead on him!

Dr. Venture: (To Dr. Girlfriend, flirtateously morose) I brought you something blue…. me….

Phantom Limb: Revenge, like gazpacho soup, is a dish best served cold, precise, and merciless.
The Monarch: Yeah, yeah, you can never have enough precision in your soup…

Phantom Limb: I think we’re all done here. Her shit’s by the door in a box marked ‘hers’.

(The Alchemist is holding a giant eyeball in front of his head)
The Alchemist: Hey, look! I’m in The Residents!

The Alchemist: I’ve got snacks, fancy beer, and some chips guaranteed to be… extreme!
Dr. Orpheus: (Amazed) How is that possible…?
The Alchemist: I don’t know, by putting a lightning bolt on the bag.

[The Alchemist enters wearing a flamboyant shirt]
Jefferson Twilight: Al, what is that? I need earplugs just to look at your shirt.

The Alchemist: But being a magic super hero that keeps chasing the same guy? It’s completely gay. That is coming from a guy that voluntarily has sex with men!

Hank Venture: Why would you do this?
#21: What, be a henchman?
Hank: Yeah. Retardo costume, some skinny guy yelling at you all the time.
#21: Dude, are you describing me or you?
Hank: I don’t wear a costume.
#21: What, are you drunk? Where do you even buy a baby-blue kerchief? Heh – I just said “kerchief. Dude! What, does your dad use his time machine to go shopping?

(#24, nursing a bad hangover, is escorting Dean through the Cocoon corridor)
Dean Venture: Are the walls titanium or made of secret rocket ship metal?
#24: What? Who ca-.. Uh.. I know they’re wicked easy to stain…
Dean: (trying to impress 24 with his knowledge) Hm. We can rule out chromium-based metals. Those clean nicely with a damp cloth!
#24: (exasperated) All right. I’ll… “rule that out.”
(awkward pause)
#24: So uh… You, uh, like being a uh…
Dean: ..A Dean?
#24: Yeah. A Dean. That must kind of uh… suck…

#21: I always wanted to get a tattoo, but you know, that shit is permanent.
#24: Ah, he never had the balls!
#21: Guilty! But then this Cowardly Lion got some courage from The Wizard of Booze, we went in there! And — stand by…”
(Henchman #21 turns and vomits on the floor)

(Phantom Limb’s helicopters descend on The Cocoon seconds before the priest declares The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend man and wife)
Phantom Limb on Video screen: Monarch, this is the Phantom Limb. You are surrounded.
The Monarch: OH! DICK MOVE!

Hank: (Faking Russian accent) Hello-ski, I am, how you say…Russian-guy-o-vich!

[various henchmen are crawling around in pain, there are bachelor party decorations torn up on the walls]
Henchman 24: Oy, he’s gonna kill us. Maybe if we beg for mercy.
Henchman 21: Oh god, let him. It would be such sweet release from this torture we’ve brought upon ourselves. Oh fuck it, you kill me. Just don’t hit my head or make too much noise doing it.
Brock: I have an idea, chunk. :[the camera pans over to reveal Brock is in a holding cell] You open this door and I’ll kill ya.
Henchman 21: What. Did. We. DO?!?
Henchman 24: Oh shit, I thought I dreamt that part.

Henchman 24: Oh my God. Is that – ?
Brock: [Snarling] David…Bowie.
David Bowie: Brock Samson. It’s been a while.
Brock: I should kill you for what you pulled in Berlin.
[Iggy Pop and Klaus Nomi jump in front of Bowie, acting as his bodyguards]
David Bowie: You’re welcome to try.

[At The Aisle]
The Monarch: [Gasps] There she is! [Whispering] Hi, Pookums!
Dr. Venture: You know I feel so dirty, when they start talking cute.
The Monarch: Get used to it!
Dr. Venture: I should tell her that I love her… but, that point is probably moot.
The Monarch: …Are you reciting “Jessie’s Girl”?

Henchman 24: Brock Samson, slayer of men. Slayer of hench men.