skip to Main Content

The Master: Did you know he’s uncircumcised? Yeah, Mr. Baldie will forever wear his turtleneck.
Triana: That’s so gross! Do I have to break his heart?
The Master: No, but you do have to clean his penis with a Q-Tip.

The Master: Why don’t you leave me alone so I can jump rope naked in front a mirror in your ex-wife’s body?

Dr. Orpheus: She must be in her forties…
The Master: Really Orpheus? Tell it to the heiny, because she thinks it’s still 1992.

Dean: Can I pet your pussy?
Triana: There’s no irony in that, is there?

Hank: What’s with the suit?
Dean: Is it illegal to look good?
Hank: In this house is kind of is.

The Master: Triana Orpheus, you should go live with your mother and begin your training as a sorceress. It’s your destiny! And it’s way cheaper than art school!

Billy Quizboy: It’s out! I did it. So, am I part of the Triad.
The Alchemist: Triad implies three. So…
Billy Quizboy: All right. Then you guys have to pay my rather steep fee.
The Alchemist: Welcome to the Mystical Order of the Trilogy, Special Brother Billy!

The Alchemist: Maybe we should strip him down and rub him with magic unctions?
Jefferson Twilight: How will that help him?
The Alchemist: Him? I was thinking of me.

The Alchemist: Great, so we take credit for killing Torrid, you take credit for kicking the Outrider’s ass. Then we make a secret pact to never speak of this again.
Dr. Orpheus: I’ve been wrong about the Outrider. He was noble and good. We can’t leave him like this.
The Alchemist: Okay, we drop a rock on his head, then we make a secret pact to never speak of this again.

Dr. Orpheus: Triad! Be unseen!
Jefferson Twilight: Was something supposed to happen? Are we invisible now, or something?
Dr. Orpheus: No, I meant that we should hide. Just like behind something.
The Alchemist: Well be specific next time.

Dean: Well, if I was your dad, and you were your mom, and the you that wasn’t your mom was another girl, I would never let anyone take the you-mom.
Triana: That would be really sweet… if it wasn’t so confusing.

Jefferson Twilight: Score?
The Alchemist: 85%.
Jefferson Twilight: Get out! Where did I blow it?
The Alchemist: Well, for one, you killed Matthew Lasko.
Jefferson Twilight: That was… well, he was wearing punctuation on his suit. That’s a total bad-guy suit!
The Alchemist: He helps people get free money from the government. That is a good guy. It’s reflected in your score.

Dr. Orpheus: The time is now! Triad, join me! For I am Dr. Orpheus! Master of Mysticism!
The Alchemist: I don’t want to do that introducing ourselves bit. It’s goofy. let’s not die being goofy.
Jefferson Twilight: I’m with Al. Maybe we could sing a Stevie Wonder song together.
The Alchemist: Yeah, that’s not much better.

Jefferson Twilight: Torrid’s a dick! Who does that? Who opens up Hell? Honestly?

Back To Top