Phantom Limb and Dr. Girlfriend agree to a civil double date with The Monarch and some girl he met on LiveJournal in order to discuss The Monarch’s official re-entry into the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Team Venture then become the unwitting pawns in a low-grade pissing contest when Phantom Limb sics the Guild’s commandos on them to prove his dominance.
Phantom Limb: Rembrandt van Rijn — a hundred fifty years ago, Delacroix said of Rembrandt that his works would be held higher than those of Raphael. His blasphemous prophecy came true within fifty years, and this one could be yours for the pittance of 10 million, American.
Mafioso: No, I want the Mona Lisa.
Phantom Limb: Look, the Mona Lisa’s not a better painting, it’s merely a more famous one, and it was made more famous because it was stolen. And this was stolen, so…
Mafioso: What about her, ah, famous smile?
Phantom Limb: Whatever. She looks like a horse! It’s – it’s tiny, you know? Th-the thing is like this big.
Phantom Limb: Yes, really. So this is cheaper. By the… by the foot.
Phantom Limb: Oh (bleep)… great, I think I killed him.
The Monarch: #24, ready the Monarch-Mobile! Your leader has a date.
#24: We kinda…don’t have a Monarch-Mobile anymore.
The Monarch: Why the hell not?
#24: We ditched it.
#21: You know, the heat was on us after that Venture Brother thing, so we thought…
The Monarch: Fine, what are our options?
#24: We can take my Nissan Stanza.
#21: Oh, shotgun, called! Totally!
The Monarch: Alright, what color is it? Is it diabolical? Or at least butterfly colored?
#24: It’s powder blue. Mostly.
The Monarch: Great. 21, what do you drive?
#21: His powder blue Stanza.
Dr. Venture: Lab shmab, I’m finished with work for today. No, I wanted the boys away because I made a discovery of the… non-scientific kind.
Brock: What’d you find? Are you okay?
Dr. Venture: Oh, I’m more than okay. While perusing TV guide, I found a little – shall I say – flick, starring a one miss Dolly Parton, meow. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
Brock: Yeah, Doc, you’re uh… gonna be disappointed there…
Dr. Venture: Don’t ruin it for me. I’ve got popcorn popping and the VCR set for stun! You wanna watch it with me?
Brock: Nah, I’m cool. I gotta drive the boys to dinner.
Dr. Venture: Oh, I get it! Yeah, those kind of films are meant to be watched solo a mano.
Brock: Yeah, that’s it.
Dr. Orpheus: I have been attempting to stave off this awkward, yet necessary conversation.
Triana: Please. Dad.
Dr. Orpheus: This is my duty!
[Triana giggles] Dr. Orpheus: What is funny about my duty? You know I take my duty quite seriously.
Triana: You said… [laughs] Never mind.
Dr. Orpheus: I share your nervousness, but there are certain facts that a father must impart to his daughter on occasions such as this- Oh yes, ‘doody’, clever.
Dr. Orpheus: Hear me out! [clears throat] When young women reach estrus, the, uhh, lignum, ummm, craves theeee stamen-like skills of the yonie. This is quite natural.
Triana: Dad. Come on. I’m doing you a favor.
Dr. Orpheus: Yes, yes, Mr. Venture has been kind enough to give me some leeway with the rent if I get the boys, as he says, ‘out of his hair’ for the evening. But as you know, tonight I teach conjuring at the new school.
Triana: It’s not a problem. Kim and I could use a free dinner.
Dr. Orpheus: It’s just that boys at their age have unchecked desires coursing, nay raging as a tempest would! Through their tingling nethers!
Triana: Come on, Dad. I’m going on a date with… the Venture Brothers.
Kim: So, are the Venture Brothers cute?
Triana Orpheus: Well, Dean…he’s kinda cute. He dresses like Buddy Holly.
Kim: That’s pretty cool.
Triana Orpheus: Yeah, but I think he does it accidentally.
Kim: What about my date?
Triana Orpheus: Hank? Well, he’s blonde and more…like, athletic.
Kim: Sounds good. How does he dress?
Triana Orpheus: Like Fred from Scooby-Doo.
#21: Put in my mix tape; it’s right on the dash. It’s the one that says, Chillin’ with My Peeps and My Main Man, The Monarch.
The Monarch: We have to stop and pick up my…date.
#21: I thought Dr. Girlfriend was going to be there.
The Monarch: Yes, with that dick, Phantom Limb. I plan to use the never-fail strategy of jealousy!
#24: Who’s your date?
The Monarch: I met her on the LiveJournal, which I kept in prison. I have been blogging! After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only ‘f0ine’, I was ‘teh sex’, whatever that means…
Dean: Any advice, you know, this being our first big date and all?
Brock: Yeah. (Throws corsage from Dean’s lap out the window)
Brock: No. Don’t pull out her chair, kiss her hand, or anything like that — it’s kind of dorky. Just be yourself. Wait, here, take this (his wallet). It’s got plenty of money in there, and it doesn’t have a cartoon bee on it. Don’t let them pay for anything, and if you end up going to, like, a movie or something, you call me on the two-way, okay?
Hank: What about me? Any advice to help me score with my mystery date?
Brock: Yeah, don’t say “score” or anything close to “mystery date” in front of her, and don’t do that “do you like seafood” joke either.
Hank: Can do, ’cause she would totally know that joke already.
Dean: THEY’RE HERE!
Hank: Dude, sit down. You have to play it cool. Observe how I scope out my mystery date whilst I pretend to look at my watch. (Sees Kim with Triana walking in) Holy moley, look at my date! She’s a supervillain, possibly a Medusa. Dean, I am not kidding, she has rope for hair and a shiny costume. Aw, not fair, she’s wearing goggles! Told you she would dig my Batman suit, but NO!
The Monarch: (sighing) Jollyrancher82, never get henchmen.
Jollyrancher82: You know, that’s not my real name.
The Monarch: Well, how was I supposed to know? I used my real name.
Jollyrancher82: I just thought, you know… “The Monarch,” I thought you were into cosplay…
The Monarch: Real name! And I am into costumed business, not costumed play.
Jollyrancher82: (seeing Dr. Girlfriend walk in) Wow, she’s gorgeous.
The Monarch: She is heat incarnate. When I met her, she looked like that girl Saffron from the band Republica. She had those red streaky things in her hair.
Jollyrancher82: I heard that she was (whispering) kind of manly.
The Monarch: That’s ridiculous, who would say such things? The woman is a delicate flower. That chode she’s with, that’s Phantom Limb. When he was in college, he was a scrawny little wuss. In a desperate attempt to be cooler than guys like me, he had his 12-year-old roommate create a machine that speeds up the muscle building process. The machine worked so well that every molecule in his extremities was accelerated beyond the speed of light. There were two side effects. One! He could mess up a guy just by touching him. And two! He became a humorless dick!
#24: (on Phantom Limb) How do you think he floats like that?
#21: Well, he’s not floating — his legs are invisible.
#21: Yeah. He used to be a good guy, actually. When he and Billy — that, you know, weird midget who won a bunch of money on Card Sharks — invented a time machine, he became a villain; and the way I heard the story is that the time machine was, like, broken or something, so Phantom Limb’s arms and legs and Billy’s hand were sent forty years into the future.
#24: I loved Card Sharks.
#21: It’s a great show.
Kim: Wow, that guy’s, like, just a torso.
Hank: Yeah, that’s Phantom Limb. I don’t think he professionally hates my dad, but he totally hates my dad. I think he used to be a famous magician. And one time, while performing for the Queen of England, he accidentally made his arms and legs disappear. They are now on the Moon with a bunch of rabbits and doves and…and playing cards and pretty assistants and some milk.
Dean: Never happened.
Hank: Did. I also heard he sliced off a kid’s hand and ate it. Yeah, it was that big-headed guy that operated on your balls, Dean.
Dean: HANK, don’t you have to go to the bathroom?
Hank: Whoa, what are you, psychic? I totally do — weird. Ladies, it seems that young Dean here needs an escort to the bathroom. If there’s any trouble, you just give the Hankinator a holler.
Phantom Limb: Syndicate number: Victor. Echo. November. Seven. Niner.
The Monarch: Hm. “Niner.” Nice touch.
Dr. Venture: (about “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas”) Brock, I am this close to seeing Dolly’s goods. I mean, they can’t sing forever.
Dr. Venture: Why are you naked?
Brock: To prey on their fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill.
Dr. Venture: Alright, now you’re scaring me. What’s going on?
Brock: I dunno. (holding the decapitated head of a guild henchman) But judging from these goggles, it’s The Guild. Seems like you made it to the big league, what’d you do?
Dr. Venture: Nothing! I was just sitting here, watching the worst porno ever. Is that a head?
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, isn’t this wonderful? My favorite part was when you (Phantom Limb) decided to kill the Venture family. No, wait, it was when your (The Monarch) fake date ran off crying. Come on, Monarch, how old was she? (“Jollyrancher82”)
The Monarch: Will you look at me? I’m in a fucking evil butterfly costume! What age group do you think is going to be attracted to me!?
Brock: Strange, you almost can’t…feel it. No, don’t move. The knife is still in you, the blade right between the kidney and the spleen, just a twitch…
Guild Stranger: It feels almost…cold…
Brock: You tell me your target and I slide the knife out. You might live. Or-
Guild Stranger: Blackout. Four and a robot.
Brock: Good boy.
Guild Stranger: I think you may have got the kidney. I don’t want to die alone. (cough) Don’t…don’t go.
Brock: I don’t think I hit your kidney…
Guild Stranger: No you…no you totally did. (cough) Please… please hold me…
Brock: Look, I’m pretty sure I missed the kidney, I mean you could bleed to death in like four hours, but uh…
Guild Stranger: I-I see a tunnel. I’m scared. Could you… could you stroke my hair?
Brock: All right, look, you are not gonna-
Guild Stranger: Then could you sing to me? Could you sing a Technotronic song? Maybe… “Pump Up The Jam”?
Brock: I don’t know-
Guild Stranger: What about “Move This”!? Do you know that one!?!?
Brock: (sigh, then starting to sing) Baby, let me…
Dr. Venture: (weak from blood loss) If you don’t come save me, I’m going to fire you Brock.
Brock: (over the radio) You gotta try to hold on, Doc! I’ll be back soon!
Dr. Venture: Brock… You’re fired…
The Monarch: (sighing) Steak fries… always soggy.
(Dean attempts to put out the fire on Hank’s crotch in the bathroom)
Hank: Dude! Stop wailing on my junk! Throw water on it!
Dean: No way! That’s what started this!
Hank: Well, then take it easy! Just dab. Dab it!
#24: (looking from stall) I can’t believe it’s hard to kill these two.
#21: (on the toilet) Don’t talk to me. If I push any harder, I’m gonna pop a gasket.
Guild Operative: How many Yaz albums do you have on here?
Kim: Can I ask you a question?
Dr. Girlfriend: (sighs) Yes, I belong in here; I just have a deep voice.
Kim: Okay. Can I ask you another one?
Dr. Girlfriend: Yeah, sure.
Kim: What color lipstick is that?
Dr. Girlfriend: “Pink Poodle”. It’s a MAC color. They give a Guild discount. You’re in the Guild. Aren’t you?
Kim: I don’t know what the Guild means.
Dr. Girlfriend: Heh, tell me about it. I don’t know anymore myself. So, do you work, uh, single, number 2 a man?
Kim: Um, I don’t really have a guy.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, let me give you my card, I like your look. Yeah, I’ve had it up to here with men and I think we’d make a nice team. Call me.
Kim: Did you see that? That woman just totally hit on me.
Triana Orpheus: She wasn’t hitting on you. Read the card.
Kim: Oh my god! I knew it. She’s a supervillian, that is so cool! She thought I was a bad guy, I am so gonna to do this.
(Brock jumps through the bathroom window)
(Brock sneaks up behind #24 and #21 in the bathroom stall and puts a knife to Number 24’s throat)
#21: Holy crap!
#24: Whatever it is we didn’t do it!
Brock: I believe you. Stay here, don’t do anything, you understand?
#24: Yes sir, yes I understand sir.
#21: Well on the upside, finally dropped one.
#24: Yeah, me too.
(Brock appears in the next bathroom stall and puts a knife to The Monarch’s throat)
The Monarch: Hello, Brock. (clears throat) I was wondering when you would show up. I had nothing to do with this. Phantom Nimrod was showing off in front of my girlfriend, I told him.
Brock: Alright, stay out of this one.
The Monarch: No duh. He’s in the next stall. Hey, how’s that dickweed boss of yours?
Brock: Don’t push it!
The Monarch: Mmmm… nice ass, Samson.
Kim: I’m gonna be a supervillain.
Hank: Yeah, I’m gonna be Batman!
Venture Bros.: Go Team Venture! (They do hand signal in the air)
Triana Orpheus: Dude, I warned you.
Kim: I think I just found my first archenemies.
Dr. Venture: (about Billy’s hand) How’d that happen anyway?
Master Billy Quizboy: That’s an excellent question. I have no idea.
Master Billy Quizboy [After re-attaching Dr. Venture’s arm]: Don’t lift anything heavy for a while, because your arm could fall off.
Dr. Venture: Really?
Master Billy Quizboy: No, I’m just kidding. But seriously, don’t lift anything heavy for a while… because your arm could fall off.